A man of the world, Raddy grew up in the cockpits of his father’s post-WW II airline (Air Hellair), traveling extensively through France, the British Isles, Scandinavia, etc. Raddy Sr. made a fortune when he sold the airline to Aer Lingus, leaving the only offspring he ever acknowledged as his own in admirable financial shape. Raddy’s never had to work, but he’s always looking for An Angle, and he loves to talk about it.
“Got something cooking,” he tells me, in confidential tones.
Sure hope it’s better than your bird brain brainstorm.
“You remember that! No, this is much more down-to-earth. (Ha ha! See what I did there?) This idea comes to me just last week when I’m in CVS for a covid-19 test. I sit down, answer some questions, and they hand me this javelin with a cotton tip that they tell me to stick up my nose ‘til it punctures my brain.”
Yikes. Did you bend the javelin?
“Funny. I do that in each nostril, then hand back the two probes. They remove the cotton swabs, drop ‘em in a sealed bag, and tell me they’ll text my results in a day or two.”
Do you get to keep the javelins? Might come in handy at your next fondue party.
“Um, no. But here’s what occurs to me. Who actually performs the test? Me! All they do is issue instructions and process results. Me — I’m both patient AND technician! CVS doesn’t hire anybody to conduct testing, they just tell the patient what to do.”
Sort of like pumping your own gas, except for the credit card. And octane.
“So I’m thinking, Why not develop a business plan that uses this reduced medical personnel model in other specialties? Gynecology, for example.”
Why doesn’t it surprise me that this is the first one you think of?
I think the term is “speculum.”
“Yes, whatever, and the patient inserts it herself as instructed, then returns it for processing. Results arrive a few days later!”
Raddy, it’s not just a matter of stuffing it in. The doctor needs to actually look and feel. Are you confusing a speculum with a dildo?
“The other obvious application would be the proctologist,” he enthusiastically continues. (Raddy’s not known as a listener. It’s part of his charm.) “Why pay a medical staffer to conduct a prostate exam or explore for hanging chads…..”
Oh my god. You mean hemorrhoids?”
“Yes, them. Piles, Lashings. Gobs. Point being there’s no need for additional staff when the patient can conduct his own supervised probe!”
I can’t be sure, Raddy, but I suspect in matters like these, your average patient would prefer having a trained professional on the northern end of the device.
“No doubt, but times change and people adjust. To use your own example, there was a time when it was unthinkable that a driver would pump his own gas. Remember Atlantic Red Ball Service? Pump your gas, wash your windows, offer to check the air pressure or your gas was free? Attendants called it Busted Balls Service. Go ahead and find anything like that in the 21st century.
“Besides,” (he goes on. Doesn’t he?) “People don’t trust their doctors and medical staff as much anymore. They’d rather do it themselves. And the lawyers will love it because their clients the doctors are a step removed from responsibility. Win-win!”
Okay. So where do you go from here?
Raddy shrugs. “Well, I need a medical engineer to help redesign equipment for self-use. And I’ll have to hire a marketing pro to help me promote. I might start by opening a stand-alone self-exam clinic on my own first, until the concept catches on. Which means I’ll need financial backing – one thing my dad taught me was Never risk your own money. That’s what banks are for, and in a worst-case scenario, you can screw them over, like Donald Trump.”
Donald who? Name sounds familiar. What’s your timeline? When do you start?
Another shrug. “Well, it’s close to cocktail hour, but maybe right after.”
Raddy, for you it’s always cocktail hour.
Big smile. “Yes! One thing I learned in the cockpit, winging through time zones. It’s always cocktail hour, because it’s 9:00 AM somewhere.” He gives me a big smile and a salute. “Stay safe!” And pedals off.
Worry not, dear readers: this idea, like all of Raddy’s schemes, will come to naught. I doubt he’ll get as far as even the equipment design stage, and in the unlikely event he does, that’ll just make him the proud owner of schematics for unique sex toys.
Which, come to think of it, is probably a more viable business for him anyway.