Shit Happens

“Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” Yeah yeah, cliche city. Anyway, I had all this good stuff planned, but now I can’t get to it… indulge me while I borrow a post from another blog, exactly one year ago, about a problem that has since been resolved, thanks in no small measure to the thoughtful and effective intervention of a controversial local advocate for the homeless…..

Poop On a Scoop

Guido’s place of business is in a one-story building that many years ago was a motel on US-1 in Hollyweird. Yesterday, for the second time this week, she arrived to discover a pile of human feces in front of the door.The first pile had evidently been there through the weekend. It required a paint scraper to get it all off, followed by intenseimproper_pooping.jpg scrubbing. Yesterday’s deposit was somewhat fresher, which created its own set of problems.At my suggestion, she calls police (non-emergency number) to let them know there’s a drive-by defecator in the neighborhood. Amazingly, a police officer shows up to ask some questions and look around.“Are you certain it was human excrement?” he asks.

Guido has had cats and dogs her whole life, as well as the occasional rabbit, parakeet, fish, hamster, guinea pig, turtle, and frog. She has cleaned up after raccoons, possums, buffo toads, squirrels, horse, deer, and of course, Muscovy ducks. In other words, she knows her shit, and this was no toad load. Besides, there were beshitted paper towels — and even smart dogs don’t wipe their own butts.The officer observes that between the tall hedges and off-street setting, the step afforded just enough privacy for somebody to get comfortable, although the light was probably insufficient for reading. So while it wasn’t a long and relaxing squat, it was probably, um, “thorough.”Guido agrees about its being “thorough.”

There’s a homeless shelter a block away. The policeman says he’ll speak to the proprietor, as well as alert the Homeless Affairs officer who works with the local population. He also promises to make the location a more prominent patrol point on the beat. He also invites her to stay in touch, and makes sure she has his contact information. And he double checks to make sure she’s washed her hands.

Thoroughly,” says Guido, savoring the irony.

Not bad. I mean, what can you do besides catching him mid-dump? Ugh.

But when Guido relays the story, I get an idea about a sign, reproduced here (courtesy of Tomorrow she places it on the front step, at the scene of the crime. We figure there’s a 30% chance the Unknown Evacuator will misconstrue the sign to mean, “Shit Here,” but then, as Guido pointed out, at least clean-up will be a little easier.

Stay tuned for the next episode.

This entry was posted in Golden Oldies (Deja Vu All Over Again). Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Shit Happens

  1. Stump says:

    “Toad load.” Nice.

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