Ticketty Doo Dah

Happy Friday!! This post, relevant as ever, is almost exactly 3 years old to the day.

Brilliantly written. Appropriated from elsewhere.


Thanks for representing me in Traffic Court. Once more I emerge unscathed – no record, no fine, just your reasonable fees. A small price for freedom and piece of mind, right? I am convinced that the only way to avoid tickets here in the Banana Republic of South Florida (BRSF) is to stop driving altogether, but without a functional public transportation system, this alternative is not viable. Therefore, you, the Ticket Clinic and your assorted offshot ilk, you’re the real public servants, genuine heroes, and I thank you.

Insofar as your financial well-being is of interest to me, may I offer a pair of suggestions?

First, consider “brand loyalty.” In a competitive market like BRSF – ever count the attorneys in the phone book specializing just in traffic infractions? You might investigate ways to keep your repeat customers repeating. How about a Frequent Violator Program? The third violation within a 12-month period earns a significant discount, or the violator can choose to accumulate 2 more and the 5th one is Free. Not just a rewards program, but built-in incentives, too!

No? Then how about a series of rewards: In increments of 3, violators achieve gift levels we can either cash in for prizes or hold for even better, more valuable premiums. Maybe on the third violation, we earn free cellular telephone minutes; on the sixth a free cellular phone – for obvious reasons, encourage us to use these while driving. Maybe when we hit 10, we earn a lap dance at an emporium known for its police clientele. so we can celebrate with friends and acquaintances, and thank them for making the good times roll.

Second, with my official notice of purchased innocence you sent me a nifty themed refrigerator magnet, complete with phone number. Thanks, but let’s be practical—what about a bumper sticker or a windshield decal? You could emboss it with our assigned Frequent Violator numbers.

That way traffic cops recognize a sophisticated offender, and skip the usual law-and-order-responsible-driver-safe-streets blah blah urk urk oogah oogah bullshit with which they bore us to tears before handing us the illegible paperwork. It also means that when the cop finally roars off on his fund raising mission we can waste no time placing our calls to you, provide our personalized Frequent Violator Number (FVN) and get the legal process rolling. “When the cop’s on your tail, put the check in the mail.”

Just some thoughts from a loyal customer and stakeholder. Please drive carefully, but drive often, right?

Thank you.

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9 Responses to Ticketty Doo Dah

  1. Wyatt Earp says:

    Let me guess. You got ticketed for going too slow in the left hand lane, right?

  2. Ms Calabaza says:

    is that the ol’ lady?

  3. Squathole says:

    Ms C. You’re very perceptive. Actually, that’s my daughter in one of her professional outfits. She makes more money on weekends handcuffing older middle-aged executives and walking across their bare butts in pointed heels than I make all week. (Which is actually less impressive than it sounds at first.) So as punishment for this humiliation of her own father, I regularly spank her.

    For further adventures of this perverse fantasy, please send credit card information and a signed statement that you’re over 21 and not a law enforcement agent.

  4. Ms Calabaza says:

    LOL, settle down daddy.

  5. Just curious says:

    Send credit card info where, again? Just want to know, not interested for myself.

  6. Ruh Roh says:

    I wonder what kind of arrangements places like the Ticket Clinic have with traffic cops, judges, and the whole processing system. Seems to me the whole thing is an elaborate way to shake down ordinary drivers for more cash. Whatever else is does, it doesn’t make the roads any safer, or the drivers any better.

  7. Manual Override says:

    Whoa!! BUSTED!!

  8. John Law says:

    Very amusing, deadbeat. Why don’t you post your license plate number and driver’s license for me? Maybe we can talk.

  9. squathole says:

    John Law: I don’t think so. I may LOOK dumb, but I’m ugly.

    BTW — are you one of my daughter’s customers? You seem the type.

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