FPL Initiates Our BOHICA Moment

Standing in the shower on Sunday morning and the lights go off, immediately followed by a distant explosion. That activates the moron dog’s howling coyote mode, which inspires the other two dogs we’re babysitting this weekend to compete. Way to start a Sunday.

Power was restored in seconds. I don’t call.

Monday I arrive home from the west Broward salt mine and discover that we’d been blessed with another outage: the “PF” light is on the upper oven clock, and the aquarium light is out.

Okay, I see the pattern. Now I call.

I have Florida Plunder & Loot’s trouble reporting line on speed-dial, of course, which is ironic: the glacier pace of their customer service response, weighed down by endless recordings and insincere apologies, makes speed dial the fastest part of the process. But eventually, after I sabotage the system by pressing incorrect choices and screaming profanities at the voice-recognition software, something bored and humanoid picks up.

I identify myself, my residence, my zipcode, my blood type, my allegiance to the empire, and my HDL/LDL cholesterol ratio while he checks the records. He tells me there were no outages in my area.

I believe you’re mistaken, sir, I suggest, which he readily understands to mean, “You’re a lying sack of gobshite; go get somebody else.” Who, when he arrives, asks me how long I’ve lived in south Florida (23 years, now).

“Well, hail,” he says, all good-old-boy and friendly. “Then y’all know what time o’ year it is, right?”

April Fool comes to mind. Wonder why.

“This here’s the part o’ the year when everthin’ in nature gets all stirred up and lovey-dovey,” he actually says. “‘Cept, of course, my ole lady. Haw haw haw!”

Haw.

“Ever’ year about this time we got this little problem. The birds start chasin’ one anothers’ tail feathers and go crashin’ into the wires and relay generators up there on the poles. Haw haw! Horny critters just go about crazy for a few weeks. It’ll settle down after a spell, always does.”

You’re telling me I’m gonna have daily power outages because your equipment can’t hold up against horny birds?

“Nature takes its course, yep yep. Y’all wouldn’t deny a sparrow a little swallow, would ya? Haw Haw haw!”

I slam down the phone and for the zillionth time wonder what I’d have to do with solar panels and fertilizer to bypass these chicken sucking brigands who’ve been bending us over forever. But with my skills and good fortune, I’d incinerate the house the first time I flick a switch.

FPL. The Boys from BOHICA. They should print it on their shirts.

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4 Responses to FPL Initiates Our BOHICA Moment

  1. Ms Calabaza says:

    Who are you in the picture? Oh wait, I think I see ya . . .

  2. Dawgbowl says:

    I get it. When birds get it on, sparks fly.

  3. Kent Standit says:

    FPL has a very sophisticated public relations department. They’re just setting us up for the inevitable power failures and price increases they’re launch as hurricane season sets in. BOHICA is right, but at least we knew it was coming. It always is.

  4. FerfelaBat says:

    OK that’s funny as hell. I saw a special on Alaska about how the melt is causing glaciers to move way faster now so — you need another analogy for FP&L customer service.

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