Get Your Motor Runnin’

Edward Smith, who lives with his current “girlfriend” – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not “sick” and had no desire to change his ways.

Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men.

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was “making love” to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.

Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

His last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago – and he could not bring himself to consummate it, although he did have sex with girls in his younger days.

Mr Smith is now part of a global community of more than 500 “car lovers” brought together by internet forums. —

I can hardly wait for the movie. With music by the Cars, no doubt.

I also want to know how he does it. Where does he put it? The ignition switch? The tailpipe? Is there a part of a car as attractive to him as the family’s raw liver was for Portnoy? Do tell. I skipped school the day they taught car sex class during high school sex education.

I really loved my Pontiac Grand Prix, but not once did I have the urge to fuck it. It fucked me more than a few times, but only in the same sense that the auto mechanic did. It hurt, but no Sunbirds popped out nine months later.

For that matter, I never named any of my cars, either. I knew one guy who had a Rambler named “Cheeks,” but he never had sex with it (or anybody else, as it turned out, until quite late in his life. Medical problems. And he died young, as did the car). Maybe he missed his only chance.

Imagine youngsters parked in a dark lane somewhere, making out and getting serious. She smiles her encouragement as he produces the condom. Peeking out out the windshield to reconnoiter, they spot Edward Smith moaning like a lovesick pigeon as he humps and grinds the grill of his faithful VW beetle. I imagine it’s curtains for the young couple’s copulative performance. Poor bastard fellow heads home with blue balls to beat the band, while his date is traumatized worse than her first anal adventure.

Auto-eroticism taken to a new level, a distinctly low one.

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15 Responses to Get Your Motor Runnin’

  1. Pingback: Media Districts Entertainment Blog » Get Your Motor Runnin’

  2. Pingback: Atlanta Pontiac Dealers » Blog Archive » Get Your Motor Runnin’

  3. Beardsley says:

    I used to think I knew something about sex. Then the internet comes along and I learn I know nothing. Here’s yet another example of how there are kinks and twists immeasurable around the world, not just one isolated case but hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands. *wags head resignedly*

    We used to say, “Do your own thing.” I still believe that. I just can’t grasp how many “own things” there are.

  4. FerfeLaBat says:

    Well ok then. As long as he’s not driving cabs it’s probably fine. If he manages to reproduce, though, then what?

  5. Barbara Ganousch says:

    Cars have been advertised suggestively as sex objects for decades. That doesn’t mean you’re literally meant to have sex with them. Same deal with cigars (see: Bill and Monica).

    Think there any women out there with this fetish? I don’t. This is a testosterone thing.

  6. Oedipus says:

    Reminds me of my favorite old television show: My Mother The Car.

  7. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  8. Lois Terms says:

    All I can think of is “Driving Miss Daisy.”

  9. Kent Standit says:

    All hail the King of Creeps! This guy could make truck nutz shrivel.

  10. FerfeLaBat says:

    “Think there any women out there with this fetish?”

    The Outlaw Motorcycle Gang here in SoFla require the women to have sex with the motorcycle – on camera – in order to join. I would not make that up. So you would have to decide for yourself, are these women just really into bikes, or what?

  11. squathole says:

    Ferfe, I think you have it bass-ackwards. The girls aren’t into their bikes, it’s the other way ’round. Isn’t it? Who’s got this on film? With sound.

    Kent: Leave it to you to put things in perspective.

    Oedipus: That’s too damn funny. Way too. Thanks.

  12. FerfeLaBat says:

    Ya gotta have connections with the Feds to see footage. They confiscated the film and use it in training at Glenco so the g-men know what kind of freaks they are dealing with. There is also film of two gang members killing another, cutting him into five pieces and arranging him next to the camp fire with a cigarette in his hand and beer in the other for fun. Or so I am told.

    It’s probably on YouTube by now though.

  13. NicFitKid says:

    I also want to know how he does it. Where does he put it? The ignition switch? The tailpipe?

    Thomas Pynchon figured out the mechanics of auto copulation years ago. From Vineland(1990):

    “Rex had once owned this Porsche 911, as red as a cherry in a cocktail, his favorite toy creature, his best disguise, his personal confidant, and more, in fact all that a car should be for a man, and it’s fair to say Rex had made a tidy emotional as well as cash investment–indeed, he would not have flinched from the word ‘relationship.’ He called it Bruno. He knew the location of every all-night car wash in the four counties, he’d fallen asleep on his back beneath beneath its ventral coolness, with a plastic tool case for a pillow, and slept right through the night, and he had even, more than once, in scented petroleum dimness, had his throbbing manhood down inside one flared chrome carburetor barrel as the engine idled and with sensitive care he adjusted the pulsing vacuum to meet his own quickening rhythm, as man and machine together rose to peaks of hitherto unimaginable ecstasy…”

  14. Squathole says:

    Well, I did pose the question. Thanks ‘Kid.

    P.S. Vineland, as in Jersey? Probably should be Atco, where the world famous Atco Speed Center is. Or was. Who knows any more.

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