Home Stretch

Papers leaked to a reliable media source recount a secret meeting in late May at which a very sensitive topic was broached. Names, places, and facts have been redacted.

Codename Hunter/Gatherer: We brought in every international expert we could find. Each one is confident his or her system would work.

Codename EndGame: Summarize your findings and present recommendations.

H/G: Our Pacific Islands specialist recommends a week of orgiastic celebration followed by a full-village procession to the lip of an active volcano, into which the bound, naked sacrifice, covered in coconut milk, is pushed. There are details — certain prayers, a full moon, and a fee (naturally). We could probably barter with cattle and Bacardi.

EG: Complicated. And where the hell are we gonna find an active volcano — Newark? What else?

H/G: Our European Medievalist idea requires four horses. The subject is laid face-up in an arena. Ropes are attached to each wrist and ankle on one end, and a horse on the other. At a signal, each horse pulls in opposite directions, yanking off the four limbs. The still twitching trunk is tossed to starving wild boars, who devour it, after which they’re immediately put to death. The four human limbs are hacked into pieces and made into ballpark hot dogs.

EG: Jesus Fucking Christ. Who would eat them?

H/G: Milwaukee fans.

EG: I knew that. What did the Santerian say?

H/G: Nothing useful, and nothing that hasn’t been tried already. Chanting, wax images, animal sacrifice, the usual shit. Hell, if we wanted that kind of useless self-serving barbarism we could hire hardliner Miami Cubans.

EG: Cheaper, too. How about the Mob guy?

H/G: Again, pretty basic. Their M.O. is to kill quickly and dispose thoroughly. So it was mostly about removing the face, finger tips, teeth, genital area….

EG: Why the genital area?

H/G: Mostly for cheap thrills, I suspect. Anyway, they wanted to mince up all the body parts and shove ‘em into cement containers, then dump ‘em off a cruise ship. I told ‘em that was environmentally irresponsible, we’d never go for it.

EG: Damn betcha. Murder is one thing, littering’s another. Who else?

H/G: (sighs). The crazy Hungarian vampire killer. He made the Santerians sound tame. Prayers, garlic, wormwood torches. Slow death to last 666 — hours/minutes/seconds — during which time each eyelash, fingertip, toe, and nipple gets sliced or yanked off. Then they drive a stake through the heart and leave the body in an unsanctioned graveyard …

EG: What does that mean? Unsanctioned?

H/G: Probably Jewish. Anyway, they monitor its decomposition for a week, soak it in Holy Oil and burn what’s left. Then they piss on it.

EG: Nice people. So what do you recommend?

H/G: None of the above. You want to get Hillary out of the picture, none of this shit will work. Just buy her ass off. Only thing the Clintons like as much as power is money. They got their price. Hold your nose, make a deal, and give it to ‘em.

EG: Probably cost more than a ballpark hotdog.

H/G: Won’t taste as good, either.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Home Stretch

  1. Ray Ed Gneck says:

    You got this one right.

  2. Beardsley says:

    I admire the sentiment, but it’s futile. They’re never, ever going away for good. They’ll always be around, haunting the hallways, raising a ruckus. Think of them as a herpes infection, and pray that their outbreaks are few and brief.

  3. Ms Calabaza says:

    A chair, a whip, a tranquilizer gun and a check for $20 million oughta do it. Still, Beardsley is right, they’ll still be around . . .

  4. Miami Harold says:

    Good call, and great timing.
    She just conceded. Perhaps she read this post.
    Rest assured the deal behind the scenes
    when it comes to light
    will further stain some other parties’ reputation:
    everything the Clintons touch changes for the worse
    forever.
    Poor Chelsea.

  5. Piles says:

    It’s not like she’s going home broken, ruined, and out of options — she is in fact the senator from New York and former FLOTUS. If she helps her party this fall, she’s in an amazingly powerful position. Which scares me, actually.

  6. Lois Terms says:

    Think the VP is part of the deal? I hope not. Be like inviting a snake into the bedroom.

  7. Bill Clinton says:

    Got anything that requires a cigar?

  8. Living Will says:

    They’ll be separated, either formally or by quiet agreement, before the end of the year. Only reason she stuck by him this long was to become President one day. And now…….

  9. And now..

    Her own party has cheated her of its nomination by awarding half the delegates that she won in the Michigan primary to Obama, who was not on the ballot there. Who knows how many more delegates Obama could have “won” if he only sat out a few more primaries!

    I guess by now Hillary should be used being cheated and cheated upon.

  10. Hose B says:

    The party shouldn’t have awarded either one of them any delegates at all. In a game without defined rules, there can’t be any cheating. Whatever they did was “cheating” in the sense that it wasn’t by the rules.

    Notice that even losing hasn’t made her go away. I like the Hungarian solution proposed in the post. Pissing on her remains sounds rewarding.

  11. Barbara Ganousch says:

    Beardsley’s right. They’ll never go away. They proved it yesterday. She still thinks its hers, but she’ll “settle” for the VP which Obama would be insane to offer. Trust that pair with that much access and power? I don’t think so.

  12. "Esq" a lawyer says:

    I see also that Rush Limbaugh’s “Operation Chaos” has failed. Or as president Flight Suit might say, “Mission Accomplished.”

  13. Ralph Nader says:

    If he doesn’t offer it to Hillary, she might just run as an independent. Hard to believe anybody would actually play spoiler and trash the Democrats.

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