Sadder Budweiser

Tending bar this slow weeknight, Don Tequila has the Wall Street Journal spread out and the Boston/Philly game on teevee when I walk in. He appears somewhat bemused.

“It’s funny,” he tells me, drawing me a tall Grolsch. “InBev wants to buy Anheuser Busch. They offer $46 billion — with a b — and the St Louis suds fuckers are thinking it over.”

What’s to think about? I wouldn’t pay 46 cents for a Budweiser. Let alone a Busch.

“I hear you. But remember, it ain’t about what beer tastes like, it’s about making money. AB is a successful operation not because it makes good beer, but because it makes lotsa money.”

Who don’t know that?

“Well, that’s what I’m laughing at. You got all these good loyal American worker types making fists and waving flags and saying that Budweiser is a pure American beer and tradition and needs to stay that way. Selling the company to a buncha faggy Europeans in funny suits is treason, they say.”

Pretty peculiar, considering the name of the beer and probably the formula are both stolen from Europe. Budweiser is about as American as a Volkswagen. Only thing Americans did is ruin it with chemicals, water it down, and flatten it out. Yum.

“Ha! Yeah, yum. But you left out the marketing. That’s what makes Bud so popular, and now every beer-swilling hind in middle America is up in arms.”

What’s inBev want with the Budweiser label anyway?

“Says here they want to branch out into new markets with new products. They’re gonna position Bud, Mickelob, and Busch as alternative beverages, different from Becks and Stella Artois and their other brands.”

You mean alternative brands, Don, not alternative beverages.

“Alternative beverages. Don’t you get it? They’re saying Bud ain’t beer. They’re calling it something else, something between beer and an energy drink or something. It’s beer-ish, maybe, but it ain’t beer.”

Holy outhouse maggot. No wonder middle America is po’ed. Hey–does Cindy McCain know about this?

“I know, right? And here’s the suits at AB ‘thinking about it.’ These western Euros in their pinchy suits and pointy shoes dance in, wave money in their faces, and tell ’em they’re gonna market their beer as hop-water or something. Malted Muck. Beer with a Sneer. But instead of running ’em outta town on a rail, they’re ‘thinking about it‘.” He pauses to watch a baseball clang off a RedSox outfielder’s glove.

It’s the end of the world, Don. There’s a Black man running for President, Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard both hit triples in the same game, and French-speaking Belgians invade St Louis and conquer Budweiser. What’ll we do?

“Well, I’m buying. And if I know you, you’re drinking. So what anybody else does is anybody else’s business.”

He’s right again, is Don Tequila. As for Budweiser, good riddance. A waste of shelf space and aluminum cans. I want to drink Clydesdale piss I’ll go to the race track.

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12 Responses to Sadder Budweiser

  1. ya'gotta'guessit says:

    Obama is to “Black man running for President” as Budweiser is to beer !

  2. Dawgbowl says:

    I hear Budweiser goes good with kimche.

  3. RedSoxFan says:

    ya’gotta’guessit: Yeah. or “Phillies are to baseball team.”

  4. Joe12pack says:

    This is outrageous. I grew up on Bud and it’s the only beer worth drinking. It’s also as pure an American product as you can find, like Ford, Remington, Coca-Cola, and the Bill of Rights.

    If Anheuser Busch betrays its customers and its country by selling out the company, I’m done with Bud forever. I don’t care if nothing else changes but the ownership — same breweries, same packaging, same formula, same taste — I can’t in good conscience patronize what I see is damn near treasonous.

    There’s a lot of people who feel the same way as I do, and we drink a lot of beer. Budweiser beer.

  5. Beardsley says:

    In Belgium, both French and Flemish are used, depending on where you are in the country. Not that it matters much when it comes to brewing beer.

  6. Ruh Roh says:

    There’s a lot of people who feel the same way as I do, and we drink a lot of beer. Budweiser beer.

    Joe12pack: This is self-evident, and completely explains your retarded thinking process, as well as your taste in beer. Exactly what is it you think you’re proving by boycotting your favorite beer? Of course, if you stop drinking it for a while, maybe your brain will recover its youth and capacity for reason.

    Nah.

  7. Bud Nation says:

    Joe12: bingo. I’m not drinking Belgian Bud. Ever. I’ll switch to something else American, like Pabst Blue Ribbon. (I’d consider Coors, Ms Calabaz, but to me it tastes like ass when it tastes at all.)

  8. evagale says:

    An Englishman told me not to long ago that Bud is H.U.G.E over there. Not that he drinks it, but the young’uns do. I can’t fathom it myself, but apparently Bud is the fad now.

  9. Squathole says:

    Kids and their fads. When they’re not hanging themselves and wacking off for thrills, they sink REALLY low and drink Bud.

    Wonder if the fact that (non-American) Brits like Bud dampens the enthusiasm of fanatics like Joe12Pack and Bud Nation.

  10. Lazlo Toth says:

    There’s nothing wrong with Bud. I use it to clean my tolls all the time. Cheaper than WD40, although it doesn’t smell as good.

  11. Ted End says:

    Hey Squattle.
    How come Niel didn’t send you an email telling you you’re going to hell for disrespecting American Budweiser? Either your slipping or he is.

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