Tending bar this slow weeknight, Don Tequila has the Wall Street Journal spread out and the Boston/Philly game on teevee when I walk in. He appears somewhat bemused.
“It’s funny,” he tells me, drawing me a tall Grolsch. “InBev wants to buy Anheuser Busch. They offer $46 billion — with a b — and the St Louis suds fuckers are thinking it over.”
What’s to think about? I wouldn’t pay 46 cents for a Budweiser. Let alone a Busch.
Who don’t know that?
“Well, that’s what I’m laughing at. You got all these good loyal American worker types making fists and waving flags and saying that Budweiser is a pure American beer and tradition and needs to stay that way. Selling the company to a buncha faggy Europeans in funny suits is treason, they say.”
Pretty peculiar, considering the name of the beer and probably the formula are both stolen from Europe. Budweiser is about as American as a Volkswagen. Only thing Americans did is ruin it with chemicals, water it down, and flatten it out. Yum.
“Ha! Yeah, yum. But you left out the marketing. That’s what makes Bud so popular, and now every beer-swilling hind in middle America is up in arms.”
What’s inBev want with the Budweiser label anyway?
“Says here they want to branch out into new markets with new products. They’re gonna position Bud, Mickelob, and Busch as alternative beverages, different from Becks and Stella Artois and their other brands.”
You mean alternative brands, Don, not alternative beverages.
“Alternative beverages. Don’t you get it? They’re saying Bud ain’t beer. They’re calling it something else, something between beer and an energy drink or something. It’s beer-ish, maybe, but it ain’t beer.”
Holy outhouse maggot. No wonder middle America is po’ed. Hey–does Cindy McCain know about this?
“I know, right? And here’s the suits at AB ‘thinking about it.’ These western Euros in their pinchy suits and pointy shoes dance in, wave money in their faces, and tell ’em they’re gonna market their beer as hop-water or something. Malted Muck. Beer with a Sneer. But instead of running ’em outta town on a rail, they’re ‘thinking about it‘.” He pauses to watch a baseball clang off a RedSox outfielder’s glove.
It’s the end of the world, Don. There’s a Black man running for President, Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard both hit triples in the same game, and French-speaking Belgians invade St Louis and conquer Budweiser. What’ll we do?
“Well, I’m buying. And if I know you, you’re drinking. So what anybody else does is anybody else’s business.”
He’s right again, is Don Tequila. As for Budweiser, good riddance. A waste of shelf space and aluminum cans. I want to drink Clydesdale piss I’ll go to the race track.