New Hardware Detected

I suppose the problem stems from growing up as an American flower child. That and a lifetime of observation that convinces me that experience – not ideology, not education, certainly not blind faith — is the most reliable source of wisdom.

In any event, who the hell wants a virgin? No just in sex, but in anything at all?

And yet, a recent news article points out there is a worldwide movement among women, especially in Europe, mostly Muslims, to have their hymens restored for the marriage market. Evidently if the young lady isn’t certifiably, factory hymen-equipped-and-ready-for bleeding-on-the-honeymoon, she may be legally exterminated on the spot and her family sued for fraud.

So naturally, skilled physicians line up to “restore” the membrane. Hyman replacement therapy has become as popular in Europe as breast surgery, upper lip depilation, and butt cheek liposuction. The medical field is market driven, too, and a buck’s a buck.

(Here’s a vow:  I will NEVER seek to discover the details of this medical procedure.  I don’t want to know.)

Even though I lost my virginity at my first opportunity, it was years too late. I’ve been trying to make up for lost time ever since. Guido lost hers years before I did, and for the last cuppla decades she’s done her best to help me even the score. Years ago, we each brought our own separate experiences to the rutting-room, and never looked back. There’s a whole lot going for knowing the ropes (pardon the expression).

What I’m saying is virginity is over-rated.

Actually, what I’m saying is, virginity is a fucking handicap.

Any pack of religious or cultural zealots who have a problem with this is cordially invited to go suck eggs. You (literally) don’t know dick about it. Think baseball. The more pitchers you face, the better a batter you are. You’re smarter, wilier, and overall wiser. You learn. You apply. What this one throws at you becomes part of what you’re prepared for when the next one faces you. You’re more skilled at your craft. Exactly the same considerations apply to your performance in the sack.

Of course, guys, you can always practice on a farm animal. Goats can be kind of cute, and you’ll appreciate the facial hair. Just like Mom. Your virginal wife will be sooooooo impressed.

So no wonder men actually required to find virgins to marry are intrigued by the prospect of suicide. I understand perfectly, poor bastards. Bound by moronic tradition, brainwashed by ideological fiat, and confronted by the realization that teenagers in alien cultures have skills and pleasures to offer and experience their own spouses never even heard of, hell. They properly conclude they’ve lived their whole lives with their heads up their asses. It all makes perfect sense.

Who really wants a virgin, anyway? Let alone 72 of them? Give me an expert, and save the rookies for the kids in the minor leagues.

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13 Responses to New Hardware Detected

  1. NicFitKid says:

    The title is perfect. NFK trivia: the only comment I’ve ever had deleted by a blog admin concerned my flippant attitude towards hymen restoration. Guess we shouldn’t poke fun.

  2. Ms Calabaza says:

    great essay . . . of course your moniker of “squathole” gives a deeper meaning, methinks.

  3. Ruh Roh says:

    NFK: “poke fun.” That’s a good expression for the end of the hymen, isn’t it?

    It’s not just Muslims, by the way, but they’re the ones who make headlines these days.

  4. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  5. You May Call Me Pierre says:

    The issue came to a head — he he — in France, where the court decided a woman whose apparatus had been replaced had committed fraud, and upheld a suit by a husband for divorce on those grounds.

    It was a terrible decision for La France to make, because it shrinks us down to the level of barbarians who treat women as merchandise, not as works of art, which, of course, is the enlightened way of the French.

    If women insist upon concealing their faces with veils, that is their choice, albeit a poor one. When their men insist they conceal their passion with maidenheads, it is an affront to God, Beauty, and Happiness.

  6. Don Imus says:

    Hey Pierre — what color was he? Well, there you are.

  7. Sloppy Seconds says:

    The whole concept deeply offends me.

  8. Reader says:

    Actually, I agree with you about the hymen restoration process — but everything else you have here is just wrong. The answer, very simply, is waiting until marriage, and the process if abstinence education.

  9. Squathole says:

    NFK: Nice to see you again. Here’s a challenge: Let’s see if you can come up with something that requires deletion. My guess is it will inspire others!

    Ms C: Thanks. You got it.

    Ruh-Roh: You’re right, and this wasn’t meant as a put-down of Muslims or Islam generally, just the one practice cited, which is not unique to that culture. Evidently the idiocy is widespread.

    Peg: Oink.

    Pierre: “treat women as works of art.” Sounds nice, but why do I get the idea this somehow falls short of treating women as persons? You never fail to leave me with the creeps.

    Don Imus: You’re fired. Again.

    SS: LOL.

    Reader: I’ll get back to you later if nobody else does. You’re just wrong on so many levels, including empirically, it’s breathtaking.

  10. Camiel Toe says:

    Oh, Reader, can you read? Every report on the impact of abstinence education, a staple of the Bush administration’s approach to preventing unwanted pregnancy, has revealed not only its ineffectiveness, but actually INCREASED the number of unwanted pregnancies. Probably because with abstinence education, no other sex education like contraception techniques are allowed.


  11. gq says:

    Do you really think you can frown on the attemp of purity because you choose to indulge upon a concept intended for two? The only way to miss out on something is to know it exist. We would probably have fewer std’s for that matter! Alas mans greed has spoiled another gift of God

  12. misstaken says:

    this ‘virgin” thing is sometimes making as a sh’t…especially women…why? r deflored women not already considered as human beings? …Guys find their gfs then used all of them…then, they go and find virgins for their wives? GDI!!!…that’s unfair…r used women not fit as brides? Is the virginity the reason y a guy marry a woman? ….an experienced man called an expert while an experienced woman called a whore…wow…*sigh…

  13. NME says:

    Why did this come up after all this time? Which is okay by me, I never read it before and it’s good.

    Miss Taken echoes thoughts I hadn’t heard since the last time I watched Where The Boys Are. Does anybody still think like that? What fool wants to marry a virgin?

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