Bite The Bullet

Over the weekend, the conversation at the Liquor & Rubber Balls Sports Bar and Auto Supply (LRB’s) is all about owning guns, the Supreme Court, and Florida’s new Take Your Gun to the Day Care Center law that starts today (July 1).

I don’t own a gun. I want one, but when it comes to working tools and equipment with my hands, I am the least competent human being this side of Edward Scissorshands. Add to that my years of near-blindness and eye problems, a gun would be an accident begging to happen. The only reason I haven’t lost any fingers or toes, zapped myself to black ash, flooded the house, created a gas explosion, knocked down a wall, etc., is I avoid the tools needed to do any of these things. Too many close calls. Remind me to tell you about the circular saw, the aluminum ladder, and the house current I sent through my body.

But it’s all different now. Now it’s the law. Citizens MUST own a gun.

“What law are YOU reading?” asks Tequila Sunrise, on my right. It’s her third. In 20 minutes. She’s a big girl.

The 2nd Amendment, as interpreted by the Supreme Court. I see where this is going. Only a matter of time before the right to bear arms becomes a duty, enforceable by law.

“A trifle paranoid, are we?” asks Blue Martini, her hand in the back pocket of TR’s jeans.

Not at all. What’s happening here is the result of years of excellent business planning by the NRA and their allies. The NRA is the lobbying arm of the ordinance industry. They have tremendous political clout, a ton of cash, and an almost religious zeal for weaponry. Meanwhile, the industry makes a fortune, tells them they’re true patriots or some such shit, and here we go.

“He’s exactly right,” chimes in Bass on Draft. “It’s all about money. The ones pushing this, the hunters, the guides, the sportsmen as well as the industry and the retail stores, they make a killing. Pardon the expression.” She chugs her beer, signals for another. “Next step is, everybody has to have one, but the idiot liberals will insist that you gotta have a safety certificate or something, and then all these NRA-certified instructors and schools will start springing up. More money! What a freakin racket.”

“You own a gun?” asks TR.

“Sure.” says BoD. “Never used it, but I got it. In a drawer.”

“Think you could point it at somebody and pull the trigger?”

BoD chews her lip thoughtfully. “Don’t know about strangers or criminals,” she says, slowly. “But family? No problem.”

BM spits her drink across the bar and starts choking. Glad it isn’t milk.

“When you’re ready to buy one, let me know,” says Jack & Coke, joining us. “I’ve been waiting for this week every since they passed the gun-in-the-parking lot law.”

This bodes ill. J&C is a postal worker.

“I got a Super on my ass since the beginning of the year,” she confides. “Walked off the job twice so far and grieved her through the union. I’ll just subtly let her ass know I’m packing, so next time I walk out she’ll wonder what I’m comin’ back with. Bitch.”

“Girl, you better think this through,” cautions BM, who has recovered her breathing as well as a fresh drink. “The point of the law isn’t to give you something to threaten your boss or co-workers. It’s…”

“The point of the law is to make it even,” states J&C. “I’ll be tryin’ ’em out at Bass Pro this weekend.” She gives me a big smile. “Maybe you and Guido wanna join me?”

Thanks. I’ll ask her when I get home.

Yeah, If I get home. I shoot my bump and head for the door, where Don Tequila, playing bouncer tonight, perches majestically on a wooden stool. I ask him if he has a gun in his car. He knows where I’m going with this.

“I don’t leave anything in the car I don’t want stolen,” he tells me. “You watch how many goddam guns find their way into the street once people start loading up. Which they will, cause they do already.” He grunts, and I catch him instinctively touch the small of his back where his holster rests.

“You aren’t planning on gettin’ one, are you?” he asks.

You know me, Don. I don’t do anything Guido doesn’t want me to do. She’s Italian, remember? A redheaded Eye-tie. She knows where I sleep and I’m fond of my nuts.

DT looks right through to the back of my head. “You lying sack of shit,” he grins. “Make sure you learn how to clean it. And find more than one hiding place.”

For me? Or the gun?

I’m out, heading for home. Guns, buns. Hey, just doing my Fourth of July duty, as commanded by the Supreme Court.

This entry was posted in News From the Nation's Dicktip, The Adventures of Don Tequila. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Bite The Bullet

  1. Red White & Blue says:

    What you end up doing about owning a weapon is completely up to you — but now it’s official: your right as an individual is constitutionally protected. God Bless America and our right to keep and bare arms.

  2. "Esq" a lawyer says:

    Ironically, the Supreme Court’s ruling has less impact on you as an individual than it does on municipalities like Washington DC that passed laws prohibiting gun ownership. Unless you’re a resident in an affected area, your status is unchanged. Furthermore, limitations on ownership remain legal. Felons and mentally ill persons can still be prohibited from owning guns.

    Your reading of the ruling to mean mandated gun ownership is wrong, of course, but I agree with your point that the marketing and profit-motive aspect of the NRA’s advocacy is disguised by its flag-waving and manufactured patriotic outrage.

  3. Ray Ed Gneck says:

    Don’t underplay the importance of this decision. For the first time in the country’s history, the Supreme Court confirmed what we’ve been telling you elitist liberals over and over: the 2nd amendment gives individual citizens the right to own a gun. None of this made-up “collective right” you guys liked to talk about. You were wrong, and we were right.

  4. Ortho Stice says:

    One summer I took a job in a factory, worked an assembly line. By 10 am, a third of the workers were at least half-drunk. At lunch break there were always fights. Six times that summer the cops were called out to discourage something a whole lot more murderous than a routine ass-kicking. But nobody ever went for a gun, whether because they didn’t have one, or because it was plastered all over the place that guns were prohibited from anywhere on the premises, including the parking lot.

    Now? I’ll never know. I’m not going back.

  5. Lois Terms says:

    I don’t give a damn what the Supreme Court decides. There’s too many guns in the hands of too many people.

  6. Lazlo Toth says:

    “Bare” arms? Red White & Blue? More like bare ass.

    I’ll never understand the thrill of killing things, but then, I’m sane.

  7. Over It says:

    Lazlo: Shooting and hunting isn’t only about killing things. There’s the thrill of the chase — you know, terrifying an animal for hours just for the sport of it.

  8. Pistolier says:

    Lois Terms: I think you’re wrong. There aren’t too many guns, there aren’t enough. A well-armed society is a very polite one.

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