World Cup Soccer? Pussies. The Superbowl? Packa pansies. The Stanley Cup? What’s that, athletic underwear?
Nah. You want Real Men in Stinking, Sweating, Testosterone-soaked competition, you’re talking Major League Eating.
Road Report: Nathan’s Famous Camden, NJ
A large crowd assembled on the corner of 3rd and Market Streets in Camden today to watch the big man, the bad man, Eric Badlands Booker bust out of retirement.
He didn’t dissapoint rather he won the thing by eating 27.5 Nathan’s Famous HDBs. In 2nd was Buffalo Jim Reeves with 22. Drexel Hill’s Steakbellie ate 20.75 HDBs for a personal best and 3rd place.
Wild Bill, US Male, Wing Kong, Paulie Sack, Daryl Newman and Yasir Salem were also on the flatbed truck that served as a stage. It was 97 degrees and sunny in the shadow of Philadelphia. —International Federation of Competitive Eating
Yeah. Eat it, guys. No need to chew. Just fuckin swallow.
These guys eat a dozen hot dogs in less time it takes you to sink a cuppa lukewarm Starbux. They down doggies like they got clits on their adenoids. Food to them is like salmon poontang in spawning season. And they puke in private, which puts them one up on nuns giving holy head.
(Rick: that better make your Quotable text box!)
Every July 4 they congregate at Coney Island, putting an appropriate end to National Hot Dog Week with the gluttony extravaganza. They see how many hot dogs they can surround with their stomachs in a set amount of time. They call themselves “athletes.” It’s almost as nauseating as it is plain vanilla vulgar.
The difference between them and the average foodie is one of degree. Foodies are almost as disgusting, just less honest. Foodies make a virtue out of their own gluttony and invite the middle class elite to join them, masquerading as classy, enlightened sophisticates. Meanwhile, two thirds of the world goes to bed hungry.
I suggest we have a parallel contest, one where the athletes line up, bend over, and see how much peppered corn mush we can stuff up their asses before it backfires. Or bring back the medieval water torture, where we funnel liquid down contestants’ throats to see how long it takes for them to drown, or at least suffer permanent brain damage.
This is the true spirit of 21st Century America: competitive, barbaric, and totally detached from the reality that surrounds us.
Happy July 4, everybody! Celebrate our freedoms. Don’t forget the beer.