Smart Water, Big Jugs

.…which accompanying graphic image would you prefer?

Guido brings some bottled liquid into the house labeled “Smart Water.” I drink it pretty steadily over the weekend, trying it as a daytime alternative to beer. But I don’t think it works, which I mention to her.

“What do you mean, it doesn’t work?” she asks.

Well, I explain, I’m not any smarter, am I? I think if I drink, what, 2 gallons of something called ‘Smart Water’ over a 48 hour period, there should be some result, shouldn’t there? Other than peeing like a race horse.

“It isn’t called ‘Smart Water’ because it makes you smart,” she begins.

Why? Doesn’t cold water cool you off?

At this point I get the look they teach them at Wife School. You know the one? The knit brow, the pulled mouth, the tired, set-upon, weary resignation face?

“‘Smart’ is its name,” she says, “Not its function. It’s marketing, something you’re completely immune to, so you don’t get it.”

Damn right I don’t “get it.” If ‘Smart Water’ doesn’t make you smart, at least is it smart itself? Y’know, it’s like water that is smart? Like cold water is cold? Or orange juice orange? Or a dumbwaiter mute?

“If I thought for one second that this water could make you smart, I’d pump liquid tons of it straight up your ass, ” she tells me. “I’d fucking waterboard your sorry self with Karl Fuckin Rove and all his Merry Men cheering me on.”

That’s the trouble with you women. You don’t think logically. I bet lots of people see the name ‘Smart Water’ and figure either the water is smart, or the water makes you smart. It all makes perfect sense.

“I’ll make you smart, asshole,” she says. “I’ll make you smart all over.”

God I love it when a beautiful woman threatens me with pain and humiliation. Reminds me of my upbringing at the hands of clerical primates. I wander off for something cold to drink, like a cold beer. Maybe even a smart beer.

PS If this post sounds familiar, it’s because I stole if off some hapless blogger suffering dementia who will never know. Heh heh. Loser.

This entry was posted in Golden Oldies (Deja Vu All Over Again). Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Smart Water, Big Jugs

  1. Ms Calabaza says:

    Is that Guido? Can she still fit in your Smart Car?

  2. Dawgbowl says:

    Wow. That woman looks REALLY smart.

  3. Neil, a Christian Soul says:

    “Clerical primates.” You’re going to hell.

  4. Mark Skid says:

    “Heavy water” doesn’t make you fat, either.

  5. Piles says:

    Hmmmmm “Smart beer.” As in Maxwell?

  6. FerfeLaBat says:

    It … it doesn’t?


  7. The Blog Police says:

    PS If this post sounds familiar, it’s because I stole if off some hapless blogger suffering dementia who will never know. Heh heh. Loser.

    This is as frank and straightforward a confession of plagiarism as we’ve ever encountered. You’re under arrest. Step away from the keyboard, and tear down this blog.

  8. Howdy just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your article
    seem to be running off the screen in Safari. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I figured I’d post
    to let you know. The design and style look
    great though! Hope you get the issue solved soon. Thanks

    • Squathole says:

      Thanks for the feedback. I might address this issue if I had some idea what the hell Safari is, but I don’t, and even if I did, I doubt I have the tech savvy. I am open (All Night!) to any suggestions you have to offer. Thanks for stopping by.

  9. Pingback: The Rat Stuff | Obalesque

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