Commissioner: Butts On the Beach are Ugly

Miami Beach City Commissioner Jerry Libbin is floating a proposal to ban smoking on the beach. It is part of his larger effort to make sure Miami Beach enforces its litter laws and keeps its streets — especially its sand and surf — clean.

”When people smoke on the beach, there is no ashtray,” Libbin said. “I don’t want to be rummaging through the sand and picking up someone’s cigarette butts.”  Miami Hurled

This is bullshit on a pogo stick.   I call Tanya Hyde, President of Haulover Beach Tanorexics Anonymous, for her insight.  Tanya and her cancerous crew spend more time on the beach than the sand crabs.

“Actually, rummaging through the sand for cigarette butts might be the most productive activity a Miami Beach commissioner could undertake,” she says, when I read her the quote.

Cigarette butts aren’t a problem?

“Well, sppose they are.  So, enforce the littering law, don’t ban cigarettes.  People leave all sorts of shit on the beach — sandwich wrappers, popsicle sticks, newspaper, napkins, cans and bottles, diapers — it’s disgusting.  That doesn’t call for ban on food and drink, it calls for litter enforcement.  Duh.”

Do you smoke?

“Me?  No more.  But some of the club members still do.  If I told ‘em to take a cup of sand and use it as an ashtray, then toss the cup out at the end of the day, they’d do it.  B.F.D.  My people live on the beach — they want to keep it clean as a choirboy’s conscience, believe me.

“Look, this isn’t about cigarettes uglying up the sand.  This is all about smoking.  People get a bug up their butts about secondhand smoke.  Is there anywhere more outdoors than the beach?  Yet be certain: somebody, somewhere, complained.”

Sounds right to me, Tanya.  I’ve seen it myself.  It’s okay to stink like a cheap perfumed whore, but tobacco?  Ooooh, bad.  Evil.  Sinful.

“Word.  Hey, speaking of butts, we haven’t seen yours for a while.  Not that you have one I could see without glasses.  When you coming down?”

Soon.  I’ll bring cigars to stick in the sand.  Let’s see what the law says about that.

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7 Responses to Commissioner: Butts On the Beach are Ugly

  1. Beach Bum says:

    Cigarette smoke on the beach can ruin the whole day, really it can. I’ve changed where I’m sitting to get away from it. As for using the beach as an ashtray, it’s disgusting and environmentally unsound. Sure, getting people to use an ashtray would solve the litter problem, but smokers are notoriously disinterested in changing their habits. If the only way to stop this is to ban smoking, I’m for it.

  2. Ms Calabaza says:

    Sheesh,
    there goes another freedom down the tubes. Pretty soon they’ll ban pot-smoking and alcohol.

  3. Just Wanna Know says:

    Is the Tanya Hyde in this post the same Tanya Hyde who is the porn star?

  4. creativegreenius says:

    Personally I’m in favor of using Hellfire equipped unmanned Predator drones to extinguisher both the cigarette and the beach located smoker.

    Sorry we can’t wait for you smokers to die on your own, so we’ll give you all the help you deserve.

    Your right to smoke? It’s over pal.

    And if you don’t like it, might I suggest you pound some of that sand at the beach where you’re going all Freudian on us?

  5. Tanya Hyde says:

    Hey creativegreenius: It says a lot that it takes you almost 6 months to come up with a lame reply like this.

    Nobody has a “right to smoke,” dimwit. Whoever claimed that? What smokers have is a right to privacy, same as you. And they don’t need sanctimonious health nazis telling them what to do and not do, especially amateur headshrinkers with a weapons fetish.

    Go find your own beach, sweetpants, and leave us alone.

  6. creativegreenius says:

    Hey Tanya: Smokers don’t have any right to privacy, they only have a right to be told what to do since they’re such morons and clueless addicts.

    I don’t think you really know what smokers need at all. I just think you’ve got the shakes from too much nicotine.

    Don’t worry about me finding my own beach, I wouldn’t touch Florida’s sand with a ten foot pole – neither will insurance companies – or home buyers.

    Light up another one for me sweetbreath, and please, make it unflitered – go for the gusto while you still can.

  7. Kent Standit says:

    “Smokers don’t have any right to privacy, they only have a right to be told what to do since they’re such morons and clueless addicts.”

    I wonder why this little guy’s mom lets him play on her computer so late at night. Maybe he ate all his crayons again.

    Not that it has any bearing, but Tanya Hyde (who I don’t know personally) states in the post she doesn’t smoke. Neither do I. But the day America disallows people from smoking outdoors – on a beach, no less – is a sad day for America, not because of tobacco, but because of individuals’ freedom.

    Tough concept for a kid, though.

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