Miami Beach City Commissioner Jerry Libbin is floating a proposal to ban smoking on the beach. It is part of his larger effort to make sure Miami Beach enforces its litter laws and keeps its streets — especially its sand and surf — clean.
”When people smoke on the beach, there is no ashtray,” Libbin said. “I don’t want to be rummaging through the sand and picking up someone’s cigarette butts.” Miami Hurled
This is bullshit on a pogo stick. I call Tanya Hyde, President of Haulover Beach Tanorexics Anonymous, for her insight. Tanya and her cancerous crew spend more time on the beach than the sand crabs.
Cigarette butts aren’t a problem?
“Well, sppose they are. So, enforce the littering law, don’t ban cigarettes. People leave all sorts of shit on the beach — sandwich wrappers, popsicle sticks, newspaper, napkins, cans and bottles, diapers — it’s disgusting. That doesn’t call for ban on food and drink, it calls for litter enforcement. Duh.”
Do you smoke?
“Me? No more. But some of the club members still do. If I told ‘em to take a cup of sand and use it as an ashtray, then toss the cup out at the end of the day, they’d do it. B.F.D. My people live on the beach — they want to keep it clean as a choirboy’s conscience, believe me.
“Look, this isn’t about cigarettes uglying up the sand. This is all about smoking. People get a bug up their butts about secondhand smoke. Is there anywhere more outdoors than the beach? Yet be certain: somebody, somewhere, complained.”
Sounds right to me, Tanya. I’ve seen it myself. It’s okay to stink like a cheap perfumed whore, but tobacco? Ooooh, bad. Evil. Sinful.
“Word. Hey, speaking of butts, we haven’t seen yours for a while. Not that you have one I could see without glasses. When you coming down?”
Soon. I’ll bring cigars to stick in the sand. Let’s see what the law says about that.