Oral Argument

No fewer than 4 people sent me this story over the weekend:

A 27-year-old Deltona [FL] woman told authorities she bit her husband’s penis because she didn’t want to have sex with him.

8-20-03-healthypenisCharris Bowers was arrested Saturday by a Volusia County sheriff’s deputy, accused of misdemeanor battery. A judge set her free Sunday without requiring her to post bail.

According to a sheriff’s office report, the Bowerses had been to a bar Friday night. Delou Bowers told authorities that when they got home, his wife began to perform oral sex on him but then began to bite his penis.  He tried to stop her, he told a deputy, but she kept at it. He then began to punch her in the head and pushed her to the floor, and she let go, according to the arrest report.

Charris Bowers gave the officer two versions of what happened. She first said she was sitting on the couch when her husband walked over and put his penis in her mouth, according to the report.  “She then bit it to get him away from her,” the report said.

She later said her husband walked over with his penis exposed, and she bit it.

Either way, the deputy saw the injury, photographed it then arrested Mrs. Bowers. Orlando Sentinel

Aaaaaaw.  Ain’t love grand?

With just this report to go on, I tend to believe her: drunk and horny (man’s natural state) he wanted Bobo honked and the bitch just wouldn’t, so he forced the issue, probably by hammering his fists on her head.  In many parts of Florida, this is called “foreplay.”  It’s what a man risks when he turns his back on barnyard animals in favor if his own hurtin’ kind.

Not counting circumcises circumstances involving frisky felines under the bed covers — talk about a rude awakening — I’ve had my dick bitten twice during sex, once on the head, once on the shaft.  Both hurt.  Duh.

In the latter incident, when next morning I showed the young lady the marks her teeth left, she grinned wickedly and licked her lips.  “Want me to kiss it and make it better?” she asked.

Hey, I may look dumb, but I’m ugly.  Of course, I told her. And she did.  And we lived happily ever after.

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10 Responses to Oral Argument

  1. Ms Calabaza says:

    In many parts of Florida, this is called “foreplay.”

    ~brilliant!

  2. Travis T says:

    Ya got it all wrong, peckerwood. Gals like foreplay — go ask ’em ya don’t believe me. Poor guy was generously trying to accommodate her and she ups and turns on ‘im. ‘S what happens when you handle snakes.

  3. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  4. Camiel Toe says:

    All of you got it wrong. This had nothing to do with her at all. She was just a prop. The whole thing was to get the police department to take a picture of his chewed-up equipment, whether for the benefit of the deputy or future internet use we’ll find out soon enough.

    Hey, life is dull in Volusia County. People need to find things to do, y’know?

  5. Anonymous says:

    Squatty,
    Is it a slow news day?

  6. Uneeda says:

    “Momma always told her kids
    to chew before you swallow.
    To taste before you holler.”

    Old country song, but that’s all I remember.

  7. John Bobbit says:

    There’s nothing funny about this. Nothing at all, you understand?

  8. Kent Standit says:

    “She later said her husband walked over with his penis exposed, and she bit it.”

    Why can’t married couples just TALK to each other any more? All she had to do was tell him his fly was down. You know, “XYZ-PDQ.” “The horse is out of the stable.” “The cucumber is out of the salad.” “Paging Mr Johnson….Paging Mr. Johnson….”

    Bit noooooo. She has to go and BITE him instead? Women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t have sex without ’em. Well, you can, but it’s not as good. Usually.

  9. cara says:

    My husband tried wagging it once. He learned better. ‘Nuff said.

  10. Dawgbowl says:

    Cara: He’s not supposed to wag it until it’s inside. He probably just got excited and jumped the gun.

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