Fill ‘Er Up

Wisely, nobody ever says to me, “I’ve Got A Great Idea to Make Money But I Need Your Help.”  Both sides of the equation would come up empty:  (1) I lack the kind of  entrepreneurial skills to turn a great idea into a cash cow, and (2) I haven’t got the shekels to bankroll anybody else’s.

But I can dream, and this concept has me soaring:

Liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them.

For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel.

A gallon of grease will get you about a gallon of fuel, and drivers can get about the same amount of mileage from fat fuel as they do from regular diesel, according to Jenna Higgins of the National Biodiesel Board. Animal fats need to undergo an additional step to get rid of free fatty acids not present in vegetable oils, but otherwise, there’s no difference, she says.   —

When I read this (for the second time), my first thought is the name and look of the filling station where you drive in and buy your fuel.  Pus-yellow logo of a bloated belly or a cottage cheese ass on the pumps — and just IMAGINE the shape of the pump.  Fibo-Fuel.  CholesterOil.  Gas & Go.  Fill ‘er up with Fat-Astic.

My next thought is how easy it would be to get into the production end of this commodity.  A nationwide chain of literal Fat Farmobese-and-brain-powers, where human beings sign on and actually get paid to be grossly overfed on the kind of nutrition-free, fatty sugared shit they lap up in startling quantities on a daily basis anyway.  Imagine the size and girth of a human actually encouraged and paid a living wage to do this.  All he or she would need to do is sign a consent form to have product sucked out monthly, immediately after which the re-feeding process begins.  Hog Heaven!

Orka Winfrey becomes the new national spokesperson –the 21st century Rosie the Riveter.   Orka the Obesifier, telling us Patriotism Tastes Great…and it’s MORE Filling!

Then the sucked-out fat is processed and distributed to the afore-mentioned filling stations around the country.  Oil tankers become liquid fat transport units called Belly Buses (“Bringing You the Fat of the Land!”).  Fat is Green.  The Alaska pipeline becomes obsolete, replaced by interstate PVC conduits, an enormous web originating in the fatty Midwest and stretching coast to coast.

Are we onto something here?  What am I missing, where does this thing break down?  We kick the oil habit and live off the labor of obese human fat generators.  The end of low-fat ice cream and Lite Beer!  Gluttony Without Guilt!  To hell with college: sign up your genetically-disposed  over-eating kids for a career in fat production!  Eat and Breed!!

Like they say in Redundia, “It’s Win-Win for Everyone.”

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Fill ‘Er Up

  1. Frank of Oregon says:


  2. Tommy Chong says:

    Oh wow, man. Makes sense to me, man. When do we start, man?

  3. Ortho Stice says:

    I’ll play your silly game. So tell me, what does the exhaust from a fat-powered vehicle smell like? McDonald’s? Farts? Dunkin Donuts? A stockyard?

    As for the fat farms you rnvision, I picture the the labs where the humans are waddled in and de-fatted. They’re called “Liposuctories.”

    Sick shit, mate. Take a break.

  4. Mister E says:

    I see a whole special breeding program on the horizon. The same knuckle-draggers now stuffed with HGH from the age of 10 in hopes of making it to 360 pounds and an NFL career, or at the very least professional wrestling, could have a much easier life just larding up for regular lipo sessions. Short happy lives, but what the hell? Beats coal mining and fruit picking. Or teaching.

  5. one who knows says:

    I have to say that I thought this post hilarious & creative. Then I caught a re-run of Boston Legal on the telly last night. FYI they used to pretty much same scenario. Squats I know you don’t watch TV except for (s)por(n)ts so I know this post wasn’t a take/spoof on the show which had to have aired months ago. And, OMG, they treated the subject with pretty much the same tongue-in-cheek that you did. Honestly, you could have written the episode, it was that funny.

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