Arrested Development

We’ve had some daylight break-ins around the neighborhood over the last few months.  Pretty standard stuff: somebody quietly goes through a window, looks for something portable and valuable like jewelry or cash, then departs through a door.  The police have few leads and besides, in Hollywood they’re far too busy with their revenue-producing speed traps on Sheridan and Sterling Roads, where I see them damn near every morning.

"Handcuffs and Bum"  Nothing to do with the post, just a nice picture.

Last week the guy on the corner got hit.  This week it was my next-door neighbors, but the break-in artists miscalculated: it’s a retired couple with irregular hours, so they arrived home to catch them in the act.  Attempting to flee, the perps were caught and arrested.

I despise these neighbors: loud, lowlife rednecks that they are, we’ve been feuding for better than 20 years.  A coward and a sneak, he waits until I’m not home and vandalizes my landscaping which he hates because (he says) it’s ugly, dirty, and drops leaves in his pool. (I call it guerilla gardening.)  Guido never let me rip his face off (“Just because he’s an asshole doesn’t mean you have to be one, too“), but the fact is, the one time I shoved him on his ass reduced his enthusiasm for further hostilities.  I won’t start anything — I’m twice his size and ten years younger, and not a bully — but now, finally, he knows not to try to get away with anything.

So while I’m glad the cops got the creeps responsible for the crime, I’m sorely pissed that the thieves weren’t armed and didn’t aerate Caveman and Cuntwife.  Or shish kabob a vital organ.  Or cause heart failure, or better yet, a debilitating stroke that would have them shitting in diapers and drooling snot out their maws for the rest of their lives.  Or at least beat the crap out of them, break some bones, and trash the house.

Nothing.  Their property was even recovered from a neighbor’s yard.

Further proof there is no god —  no one to pray to or worship.

Guido finds my attitude a trifle unseemly.  Something about karma, too.  Strikes me that karma dropped the ball here with this golden opportunity next door.  A murder or two would have taken care of C&C and removed the perps permanently.  Now they’re all still sharing my universe, making life miserable.

Maybe they’ll decide the neighborhood is too dangerous, and walk up their asses and disappear forever.  I’m not greedy.  I’d celebrate that.

photo: “Handcuffs and Bum.”  Nothing relevant, just a nice pic!

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15 Responses to Arrested Development

  1. Piles says:

    Do I have this right? They catch the guys who’ve been raiding the neighborhood. nobody gets hurt, and you’re unhappy about it. You’ve lost it, man. You’re out someplace without a compass.

  2. Fran G'Panni says:

    That IS a nice pic. Have a good weekend.

  3. Agustin R. Farinas says:

    Squatty,
    I am familiar with those speed traps you wrote about cause I lived in Hollywood for 3 years and always saw the trap on Sheridan on the downhill from the Turnpike overpass near SR7. They sat there, 3 motorcycle cops within feet of the Hollywood Toyota used parking lot and pulled over everyone who had come over that hill and was doing a little over the posted speed limit. At least 3 times a week this was a daily occurrence and they sure generated a lot of revenue for the City of Hollywood.
    Is sad to hear the neighborhood has deteriorated so much that breakins are now a common thing. I always thought it was a great small city where everyone minded their own business and it had a live and let live attitude. I did enjoyed the downtown part with the small shops and cafes. There is also a great Jewish New York style delicatessen on Stirling Rd halfway between SR7 and I-95 on the left in a shopping center going towards I-95 that is great. They have the best N.Y syle sandiwches in Broward. I used to go there on my motorbike many times for a beer and a sandwich.
    Sorry to hear about your redneck neighbor. Is no wonder you hate them so much. LOL.
    You would think people will like to get along with their neighbors because if you are not home and an incident like you have described takes place, you would want your neighbor to look out after you and notify the police ASAP. Apparently you were lucky enough to have a rectal orifice for a next door neighbor and if he does not move you are SOL. Maybe he will reconsider and under the influence of this latest robbery incident, he will seek a quieter place for him and the Mrs. I certainly hope so. But Guido may have a point here. Why act like this redneck jerk when you can have the option of ignoring him? (provided he does not damage your property, naturally)

  4. Hose B says:

    How far in the bag were you when you wrote this? I never heard of anybody being pissed off that the crime next door wasn’t violent enough. “Nobody got killed, dammit!” Chill out, dude.

  5. Lois Terms says:

    Poor Guido.

  6. Nostril Hair says:

    Sounds to me like you and your neighbors deserve one another, and that’s giving you the benefit of the doubt.

  7. Mister E says:

    Tough one, man. Nothing like a bad neighbor to ruin your life, and this could — should — have been the break you were waiting for. Ignore these delicate folks who don’t understand that sometimes a radical solution is the only one.

    Agustin — Hollywood is still a good place to live, and while crime isn’t unknown, it’s not so bad. Most people (I find) mind their own business, as you say. The deli you mentioned is probably Deli Den, still there and still good; there was another good one on Sterling that went through a bunch of owners and name changes and is now gone. Post Haste, NY Deli, Knickerbockers, etc.

    Downtown has changed. Boming with construction, all set to go, and then the economy and housing tanked. It will be grim for a few years, I fear.

    Squatty — try dumping dog food in the asshole’s pool. It bloats up and clogs the drainage. Smells bad, too.

  8. Squathole says:

    Auggie: He’s as likely to move as an impacted bowel, and the similarities don’t end there. He was already here when we arrived in 1988, the original occupant of the house.

    Ignoring him just lets him do what he wants without fear of retribution. You can’t reason with a jackass, you have to beat it until somewhere in its dim little brain it associates its behavior with pain. If I’d broken his arm back in ’88, the ensuing 20 years would have been a lot more bearable.

    Speaking of jackass, what Cuntwife needs is a giiant donkey’s dong up her ass and a pliars to her teeth. Every time I hear her sneeze — she loves to let fly, you can’t miss it — I holler out, “Die, Bitch! Die!”

    I suspect the rest of you who think I’m ‘way out of line on this haven’t wandered down this path yourselves. A POS neighbor gets inside your head. When I figured that out, I knew I had to start getting inside his. And in his pea-brain case, that’s a tight fit.

    Have a nice day!

  9. Fearless Frank says:

    Shows how far we’ve declined as a nation, when you can’t just collar his ass, give him one last warning, then break his face into pieces next time something happens. You do that these days and your life is over–cops, lawyers, social workers crawling on your spine.

  10. cara.l.cartwright@att.net says:

    Oh Squat, I feel your pain. I actually have a stalking case against my neighbor and set up a camera in the window when I’m outside. I can say that peanut butter in an vehicle engine attracts all kinds of expensive ugliness. Proteins ya know?
    Not that I’m recommending, or, err, anything like that…

  11. Ms Calabaza says:

    I totally understand guerilla gardening … hate that perfectly manicured look…

  12. Agustin R. Farinas says:

    Ms. Calabaza,
    guerrilla gardening? How exactly does that work?

  13. bobby spade says:

    wait — you’re disappointed that a robber didn’t inflict severe pain or death upon elderly citizens?

    I mean, heck, I’d definitely be frustrated by the whole lawn issue.. but WTF man!? Nothing is gonna be solved by heart failure or broken bones..

  14. Squathole says:

    BS: EVERYTHING would be solved by heart failure and broken bones. The rat bastard would no longer have the strength or capacity to keep vandalizing my landscaping, and better yet, the physical trauma might shorten his life. At the very least, he’d suffer. All of these are positive outcomes, of which, as a very positive person, I highly approve.

    Besides, see the sequel.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  15. Pablo says:

    Me gusta tu ox!

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