It’s All Their Fault That It’s All Asphalt

…but it turns out it’s part of The Plan…

Under construction [in Dania Beach] are a 100-room Best Western Hotel on the corner of Stirling Road and I-95, a Fairfield Inn and Homewood Suites with a total of 282 rooms plus a 50,000-square-foot office building at the northeast corner of Griffin and Ravenswood Roads, and a Hyatt Summerfield Suites with 250 rooms north of Stirling east of I-95.

A building permit is expected for a 140-room Cambria Suites hotel on SW 19th Court north of Stirling Road, and also approved were plans for the Atlantic Village Marina, which will include 419 hotel-condo units and 130,000 square feet of office space on Griffin Road east of the existing Hilton.  In addition, the city in October approved plans for a 127-room Towne Place Suites, also on SW 19th Court north of Stirling Road. Sun-Sentinel

I get Ellen R. Rigby on the phone.  Ellen is Director of the Dania Department of Downtown Deconstruction (formerly the Bureau of Urban Removal).

“All part of the plan,” she tells me confidently.  “Phase 3, in fact.”

Let me guess.  Phase 1 involved lots of condemnation, closing, and plywood.

qffsv35leoccztnjx8zn9wxodbjsqb06gjlssqtyrngotc37p0sfhuzfp8ip9htm1“Yes, that was the first step.  There were too many viable, functioning businesses in Dania, especially on US-1, the main drag.  We moved aggressively to drive them not just out of business, but completely out of town, then boarded up their windows to make entire neighborhoods ugly and undesirable.  Worked like a charm!”

And here I always though Dania’s “main drag” was a transvestite.

“Only out in front of the airport.  ‘Hooker Hollow,’ we call it.  But that’s mostly Hollywood and Ft Lauderdale anyway.

“Phase 2 was repaving US-1 and putting in median strips to make it impossible to turn off.  Nice smooth road, syncopated traffic lights, no reason to stop anywhere inside city limits.  That helped drive traffic north and south, out of town and into REAL cities like Lauderdale and Hollywood.”

I think last year the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce awarded the City of Dania “Best Business Plan for Downtown Hollywood,” right?

“Sure did!  I have the plaque in my office, right next to the one Ft. Lauderdale gave us the year before!

“Anyway, we’re in Phase 3 — knock down abandoned structures, clear vacant lots, and bring in the gigantic hotels.  Commission unanimously waived every environmental and zoning ordinance on the books to accommodate them!  This was associated with our successful 10-year campaign to expand the airport, ruining neighborhoods, discouraging new residential areas, and increasing noise and traffic.  These new hotels provide additional revenue for tourist services like police, brochures directing people out of town, advertising amenities north and south of us, shuttle service to the airport, etc.  Oh, and street paving and sewer maintenance, but not to residential areas.  That was explicitly spelled out.”

Damn, Ellen.  If you’re going to convert the city into a gigantic airport service area, catering exclusively to transient tourists who want no part of the city and whose dollars go toward national hotel and car rental chains instead of local enterprise, and do everything you can to make life miserable for residents, why not just change the codes and make living in Dania illegal?

“Oooh, you must have peeked!  That’s Stage 4!”

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14 Responses to It’s All Their Fault That It’s All Asphalt

  1. MadamI says:

    Yep I’m sure with all the money from the State. The City of Dania will be looking at one big parking lot or parking buildings to take the place of antique row. Then we can set up darn little horse drawn carriages and trolleys to tote people back and forth to the airport. Awwwwwww… Phase 5

  2. Ivan Pato says:

    I had nothing to do with any of this as Shity Mangler for over 10 years. I was fired and railroaded out of town!

  3. Lois Terms says:

    Dania Beach tee shirt: “Born to Pave.”

  4. Hose B says:

    “Anyway, we’re in Phase 3 — knock down abandoned structures, clear vacant lots, and bring in the gigantic hotels.”

    Right, and how come those structures are abandoned and those lots vacant? Because the damn city turned its back on the businesses struggling to get by all these years while it did nothing for them, or for the residents either.

    Why not pave the whole damn city over, right down to the beach? That’s where this is headed anyway.

  5. Private Partz says:

    Hose B: LOL! That must be Stage 5!

    Look on the bright side. After reading about how suburbs and exurbs all over Florida are hollowing out in this economy, Dania’s just ahead of the curve. It’s been doing this for years!

  6. Dawgbowl says:

    I heard that to preserve Dania’s historic look and feel, all the new hotels will have plywood across the windows.

  7. Fetish Box says:

    Damn Shitty Commissioners ran us out of town too. Long before they ran Ivan out of town. Nothing wrong with a good sex toy. What went in our old shop? Another antique store that sells junk.

  8. Denny the Transvestite says:

    And here I always though Dania’s “main drag” was a transvestite.

    Hey Mr Squats, I am offended by that comment! I am Dania’s one and only drag queen hooker!

  9. Denny the Transvestite says:

    And given the chance, I would rock your world!

  10. Denny the Transvestite says:

    Just look for me on Useless 1

  11. Mr Schwinnckle says:

    Beautiful Downtown Dania Beach. Next hurricane I know where to get plywood to cover my windows in the house. Useless 1 looks like a ghost town. At least some people are walking around Hollywood Blvd and Harrison Street at night. Bet its safer down there too. More lighting, more people, more shops open.

  12. Dania Bitch Commission says:

    What are you complaining about? We’re providing construction jobs in a down-turn economy. So what if none of those jobs actually go to our residents. If they want one of those jobs lettem move to another city. At least we (the commission) all get some nice change in our pockets for bringing in the big chains.

  13. We know says:

    Dania Bitch, tell us something we dont all ready know. We know your on the take up there on the bench. Its just a matter of time before new faces will be up there. The Man with the Plan your time up there is limited. Mr Real Estate too…

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