Adultery for Dummies

Me?  I’m happily married, and that’s for the record.  About 75 years now.  The secret is, my fellow dicked Americans, wait until you’re sure.  Or desperate.  Also, marry for beauty, brains, talent, personality, and above all, a powerful, wet, snapping…..libido.  Learn to lie with a straight face but always tell the truth.  Never fart when you have sex, even if your eyes pop.  And don’t kick her pets while she’s looking.

Well, it worked for me, anyway.  But I’m (mostly) Hungarian.  We have our ways.  For the rest of you, perhaps this will be of interest and/or assistance: is a website where attached/married men and women go to find lovers on the side with other people in similar unhappy situations. After signing up, you can search through over three million users to find that perfect body for a night of unattached passion or a longer affair.

The website backs up its motto, “Life is short. Have an affair,” with articles about the fallacy of monogamy, polygamy and essays about affairs. They don’t downplay the truth of what the site is promoting, however: adultery. According to their statistics page, 17% of divorces are caused by infidelity, and 90% of Americans believe adultery is wrong. Despite those numbers, the website has over three million users and a long testimonial page of very satisfied customers. —

Emphasis: “satisfied.”

b2d8a875b1_affair_11122008I like the slogan.  “Life is short.  Have an affair.”  It appeals to our fragile sense of mortality, and provides a sweet, sentimental justification for the natural human urge to fuck over your loved one by betraying his or her trust.  Vows?  Commitments?  Eternal (ha ha!) love?  Blow it out your poopshoot!  Life is short.

I don’t have a problem with adultery if the couple goes into the relationship with that issue sorted out between them.  The real issue is honesty.  Remember the 60s?  But that’s not the way it usually works.

Even so, it’s not my business: do whatever you want.  But if you want me to sit there quietly while you justify it, you’re gonna get an earful of scorn and derision.  Which I’m good at.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear the details.  Or see the videos.  Or smell your fingers.  No,  Just Kidding!  About the fingers, anyway.  Sort of.

Have a good time, folks.  That’s what it’s all about.  Indeed, life is short.  If you can live with the dishonesty, playing it down as minor, rationalizing it as deserved, whatever, go for it.  After all, it’s only sex.  And maybe it’ll do the relationship itself some good, right?

Guido, reading this over my shoulder, says,” If you REALLY want to see how short life can be, go have that affair.”   I love it when the Italian blood rises to the surface of her freckled redhead’s skin.  And boy do I behave myself.

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9 Responses to Adultery for Dummies

  1. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  2. Ms Calabaza says:

    Ashley Madison? Wasn’t she George Washington’s girl? That firm’s been around for years . . .

  3. Fran G'Panni says:

    I’m surprised at the very conservative position on this that you stake out. Or maybe that’s because your wife reads your blog? He he.

  4. Dick Cheney says:

    Want to smell my fingers? You like the odor of blood?

  5. Ms Calabaza says:

    Fran G’Panni,

    I’m not surprised. Squat is a mensch. Besides liberals can be loyal and ethical too (some of my family members and best friends are liberal) it’s a little harder for them. Take it from a fiscally right wing-nut but socially liberal confused loyal Obalesque reader . . .

  6. Al Gore says:

    Squattle isn’t a liberal. He’s a radical reactionary centrist anarchist. A founding member of the FUBAR party. He voted for Nader and cost me the state of Florida.

  7. Mister E says:

    Indeed, life is short. If you can live with the dishonesty, playing it down as minor, rationalizing it as deserved, whatever, go for it. After all, it’s only sex. And maybe it’ll do the relationship itself some good, right?

    This sounds eerily like a summary of every conversation I ever had or heard on the subject especially the part about “doing the relationship some good.” Fat freaking chance of that ever happening, but that’s what they say.

    Every single one of my wives dumped me once they found out I was running around on them. But as my friends pointed out, they were probably just waiting for the good excuse anyway.

  8. Miami Harold says:

    Good post. May I summarize?

    Honor your commitment or don’t.
    But own its outcome: it’s yours alone.

    I suspect many little heads prevail over big ones
    and consequences aren’t carefully considered.
    But a breach of trust is a permanent stain,
    a visible tattoo taken to the grave,
    its stinging pain grown worse with time.

  9. Ruh Roh says:

    Mr E: You’re a scream.

    Lighten up guys. It’s just for thrills, a little excitement. Just make sure you wearing protection. Everybody will laugh it off in a couple days anyway.

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