Hiya, Watha!

Was a time when I could trip into any shoe store anywhere and buy a pair of moccasins, which I’ve worn more or less continuously since childhood.  No can do no more.  There’s damn few stores around, and besides, nobody stocked them.  And then there’s the problem with having a size 13 or 14-b hoof.

untitledFor a while, a place out on 441 near the Injun res carried them along with other faux-native/western items, none of which interested me (with the possible exception of the bullwhips, but that’s not for dress.  Exactly).  When they vanished one night, that left teh internets, and that, of course, creates problems for certain challenged consumers of whom I stand as Exhibit A.  Through ZZ.

After puzzling over Minnetonka’s website for 30 sober minutes, I sent the following email:

There are three colors associated with the items shown here, natural, chocolate, and black.  Both “chocolate” and “black” suggest the darkest of the three, and clearly eliminate the lightest one.  So that means the one on the far left (which is the one I want) is either “natural”or whatever the darkest one isn’t.   Those of us who have never actually seen a moose don’t know what their “natural” color is.

Confused?  So am I, and I’m trying to buy your product.  Not good for either one of us.  And nobody answers your phone.

Please tell me which color/flavor applies to the light brown item on the left so I may send you an order.  Thank you.

No reply, naturally, so I call after hours and actually get a human being or whatever else answers the phone in Minnetonka, PA (about which more anon).

I discover that the pull-down menu on the site, which lists Black, Chocolate, and Natural, does not mention that “Bone” is no longer available.  That’s what the light colored one is called   The dark one is either chocolate or black, I forget.  One is shown, the other isn’t.

I ask the rep why the hell they would show something not available, and NOT show something that is, and not even provide an explanation.  “I own no,” he says.  Well, not exactly, but the equivalent.  He blames somebody else.  Of course.

6a00d83454dfb769e200e54f787df38834-800wiThe one on the left is “natural.”  How anybody is supposed to know this is beyond me.  Personally, the only moose I’ve ever seen is motherfucking Bullwinkle, and that was a long time ago on a black and white teevee screen.  But if there are 3 choices and 3 samples, how the hell am I supposed to deduce the fact that one of the ones shown isn’t one that is available, and one that is available isn’t shown?

I also learn that Minnetonka exists in the same suburban Philadelphia area code I lived in for 35 years.  I am clueless, as noted above, I’ve worn moccasins almost every day just about my entire life, for years before I paraded around with 23 toe rings (down to 17 these days, same 10 toes).   They used to be “brown.”  What a concept.

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9 Responses to Hiya, Watha!

  1. ya'gotta'guessit says:

    There is no way in hell that those mailorder mocs are going to fit you, the World’s Worst Customer – you *must* realize this.

    Look into Sperry Topsiders – they’re flat, like mocs, are shrink-proof, and are built crazy-strong. And like a good fielder’s glove, will gradually accomodate themselves to your phalanges.

    You can actually try them on at a decent department store – what are you waiting for?

  2. Piles says:

    You actually wear shoes? I’m amazed.

  3. Ms Calabaza says:

    Your problem starts with buying moccasins in PA. As Rocky would have told ya “that trick never works”.. . .

    The place to shop is Maine … try L.L. Bean

  4. … reminds me of the story my forefathers told me … never judge a man until you have walked in his topsiders.

  5. Bunyip says:

    My days of wearing soft leather mocs ended when we got a dog, who turned them into a $60 chew toy.

  6. Dawgbowl says:

    I never saw a moose either, but it was easy to figure out that “Natural” was the one on the left. I agree, though, it’s dumb to show a flavor that isn’t available and not show one that is. So what else is new.

    Maybe the reason nobody else had trouble with it is that you’re the only one in the country even looking at this website, let alone buying anything.

  7. Camiel Toe says:

    “…none of which interested me (with the possible exception of the bullwhips, but that’s not for dress. Exactly…”

    Do tell us exactly what they’re for in the next post, hmmmmm?

  8. Squathole says:

    Mr Guessit: Nothing short of barefoot compares to moccasins when it comes to comfort. My feet are almost as old as I am, and I’ve tried everything at one time or another. Topsiders, boat shoes, desert boots, sandals, you name it. Ironically, the closest thing ever was a beat-up pair of soft leather Italian dress shoes I inherited from an uncle (size 14). I wore them ragged and holey. The shoes, not my soul (sole).

    Camiel: The bullwhip is for painting stripes, which are then worn for a while. So that’s not exactly dress, but sort of. You knew that.

    Shoes are due this week.

  9. Earl Butz says:

    “Loose shoes, tight pussy, and a warm place to shit.” True then, true now. Ah have spoken.

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