Beat It! Beat It!

His final act:

“How do you feel, Michael?”

“Bad!  I’m bad!”

Unfortunately, the emergency vehicle was fresh out of Babb-o Sanitized Prepubescent Boy Topical Application Pads, and the pop star perished en route to the hospital.

It is said — stupidly — that tragedies come in threes.  Like tennis balls, stooges, and adulterous 2012 Republican presidential candidates, I guess.  So this week, Hollywood (CA) bid farewell to the triumvirate of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and now Michael Jackson.  Of course, it’s only Friday.

In my own limited experience, Ed McMahon was just some aging, overgrown stooge in a rumpled suit whose job consisted of flashing his dentures during Johnny Carson’s excellent commentaries.  Evidently he did it well, or perhaps I miss the point.  When it comes to teevee, I usually do.  In fact, it’s not clear to me that teevee HAS a point.

farrahfawcettposterFarrah Fawcett, in her heyday, caused me to whimper and melt, then reach for my crotch.  In this I was no different than most males of the era, who drooled lustfully in her direction, whether she appeared to them on small screen, poster, or magazine cover.  It was all in her hair, eyes, and toothy smile: her slim, unexceptional body was there in a back-up role.  Not a great pair, but what a great team!

Jack-o, on the other hand, made me ill.  Not as much as Prince did (and does), or Madonna used to.  I never liked his music, and I never understood his appeal.  His personal life was something I tried desperately to avoid hearing about, but that was about as possible as not hearing news about OJ.

Dying as they did in the first week of the summer in the first decade of the Oughts, they’ll be linked for awhile, and then forgotten.  In fact, it’s almost the weekend.  I vote for accelerating the amnesia.  Whose round is it?

PS  Selecting the right graphic for this post was pretty easy.

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21 Responses to Beat It! Beat It!

  1. MadamI says:

    Michael Jackson (27 March 1942 – 30 August 2007) was an English writer and journalist. He was the author of several influential books about beer and whisky.
    Now theres a Michael Jackson you should are about !!!

  2. TMZ REAL STORY says:

    “Coroners have officially pronounced Michael Jackson dead. From what we can tell, he died between 18 and 20 years ago,” forensic investigator Tim Holbrooke said. “We are not certain, at this time, who—or what—has been standing trial in that Santa Maria courthouse.”
    According to Holbrooke, Jackson’s corpse was buried just inches below a stretch of the miniature-train tracks that run throughout Neverland. The largely desiccated corpse wore the remains of a red, zipper-covered leather jacket and a single glove.
    “We positively identified the body as Jackson by his dental records and DNA,” Holbrooke said. “But even before we conducted a single forensic test, we began to suspect that that we’d uncovered the real Michael, and that the disturbing figure claiming to be Jackson was a fake.”
    Holbrooke said that, although the corpse was in an advanced stage of decomposition, when investigators compared the body to early-career publicity photos of Jackson, they saw a striking resemblance in bone structure and facial features. But when they compared the body to photos taken after 1987, the resemblance was negligible.
    “This discovery raises a lot of questions, but it also sheds light on a number of disturbing incidents,” Holbrooke said. “Frankly, Jackson had been acting pretty strange.”
    Forensic experts and music critics are postulating that Jackson was dead before the release of the multi-platinum album Bad. Detectives are currently analyzing the lyrics to “Man In The Mirror” for any clues relating to a look-alike entity that many suspect murdered the youngest member of the Jackson 5 and assumed his identity. A representative from Jackson’s self-created label, MJJ Productions, said he was not surprised to find out that the current Jackson is an imposter.
    “When we were recording ‘Heal The World’ for Dangerous, I could tell something was terribly, terribly wrong,” MJJ manager Luke Allard said. “Michael didn’t seem like himself anymore. He’d demand bizarre food and sit for hours in a hyperbaric chamber. His appearance began to become more and more peculiar. Soon afterwards, he started wearing a mask and confiding in a chimpanzee.”
    “I remember thinking, ‘This man has become a monster,'” Allard said. “If only I’d known how right I was.”
    Allard said he thinks that the imposter broke ties with Jackson’s former friends and surrounded himself with children who were too young to notice the radical change.
    Vanity Fair reporter Beth Pither visited Neverland in 1994.
    “A strangely fearful staff member led me to Jackson, but ran off before I opened the door,” Pither said. “Standing there with my hand on an ice-cold doorknob, I heard strange, unnatural sounds—leathery wings flapping, a sorrowful wail, and loud hissing. A wave of dread passed through me as I opened the door, but all I found was Michael and some kids in pajamas eating ice cream and watching 101 Dalmatians.”
    While their claims have not been corroborated, other Neverland visitors have reported that when when Jackson entered a room, lights flickered, faucets ran blood-red, and screams escaped from the walls.
    To aid in the investigation, the FBI enlisted Dr. Richard Weingarden, a noted expert on the paranormal from UC Santa Barbara. After only two hours, Weingarden abandoned the project.
    “The smell of sulfur, the decaying facial features, the bizarrely high-pitched voice—it sounds exactly like…” Weingarden said, trailing off. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Not a big deal. Nothing to be terrified about, certainly. I have to go. I’ve got a family.”
    Thomas Sneddon, the prosecutor in Jackson’s child-molestation lawsuit, said it remains to be seen how the shocking discovery will affect the trial.
    Megan Gustafson, who left her post as president of the Akron, OH Michael Jackson Fan Club after the singer was accused of molestation, offered a positive view of the grisly revelation.
    “This is very disturbing news,” Gustafson said. “But to be honest, it’s kind of a relief too. Thriller and Off The Wall are really amazing records. Now I can pull them out of my ‘ruined by child abuse’ storage bin and start listening to them again.

  3. Coroner's Office says:

    Cause of death, he choked on a little boy….

  4. Governor Mark Sanford says:

    Thank you Michael!

  5. Farrah Fawcett's Ghost says:

    you couldn’t have freakin’ waited a few more days?

  6. Ms Calabaza says:

    … hey, did Michael Jackson die?

  7. LA County Funeral Home says:

    sorry Mr and Mrs Jackson, we dont accept plastic….

  8. St Peter says:

    standing at the Pearly Gates….wait a minute….didn’t we send you down there as a little black boy?

    Imagine St Peter’s expression when an Angel and a Freak arrive at the same time!

  9. The Truth... says:

    God Bless America the only country a poor little black boy could grow up to be a rich white woman!

  10. Fly Guy says:

    I wonder if he’s even biodegradable after all that body work. I had an old Buick with less plastic and Bondo than he had in his face alone.

  11. The Elephant Man says:

    Welcome home, Mikey and thanks for keeping my name in the headlines, and my bones in your closet.

  12. Kent Standit says:

    Wow! ANOTHER potential Republican presidential candidate to scratch off the list!

  13. The MassPube says:

    Why did they all call him the King of Pop. To my knowlege he never drank soda

  14. Health Department says:

    It’s reported he died of a heart attack, but it was food poisoning….

    He ate a 8 year old weenie.

  15. Legoland says:

    Due to the fact he was 90% plastic, He will be melted down into Lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change!

  16. LA EMT says:

    EMTs confirmed Jackson’s death and said he was blowing bubbles as he died. The monkey is reportedly in stable condition and undergoing counselling.

  17. Pearly Gates says:

    Farrah is at the Pearly Gates and before she is let inside, God says, I will grant you 1 wish before we allow you in. She said make all the children in the world safe. So God killed Michael Jackson……

  18. At the BET Awards last night, the host proudly yelled that Michael Jackson was black and “belonged to us.” Of course, he was right. Biologically, Michael Jackson was born black and died black. His genes, at least, he could not alter, though if such an option did exist, he would no doubt have availed himself of it. What he could do, he did. He bleached his body in a vat of acid till he was as pallid as a white nonagenarian who had not seen the sun in decades. He modified his features through plastic surgery till he was not recognizably black or even recognizably human. When he wanted to become a father, he hired a white surrogate mother and a white surrogate father to produce “his” children. And, of course, the only people (actually, children) that he took to bed were white and he even chose white women for his “beards.” That such a man should be a hero to African-Americans shows their great humanity and capacity for forgiveness.

  19. NME says:

    Mr Tellechea phrases it nicely. Jack-o’s lifetime devotion to self-denegrification always made THIS African-American queasy and uneasy. Sad thing is I liked, no loved, the music and dancing and performances enough to set aside the rest (which goes beyond just cosmetics) and I’m certain that’s what most others who loved him would tell you as well.

  20. Squathole says:

    Nice seeing you here, Manny. I feared we’d lost you.

    By now I’ve seen dozens of Michael Jackson jokes, but I imagine everybody with email has seen the same lists. Of course, there will be even more. But I’ve had it. In fact, was over this before it started. I’m not a fan, and what I know about Jack-o I learned accidentally: it’s hard to avoid these things without adopting to hermit-crab mode. Which, at times like this, has its appeal.

  21. *Rim Shot* says:

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
    A: Acne usually waits until you’re 15 to come on your face.

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