Ball and Chain

Guido returns late tonight (Tuesday), concluding her mission of mercy that has extended 12 days.  So what kind of mischief did her re-bachelorized spouse get into?

I broke the garbage disposal, but I managed to make it work a day later.

I had a bike accident, running over a hole and throwing myself into the street, ripping open a knee and an elbow, badly bruising a shin, and somehow straining my chest.  Had to push the bike home, too, as something like the gears got seriously knocked out of  commission.  Me, too.  I’m cramped up and limping like declawed stone crab.

Her car battery died.  I called AAA and got it started.  It’s dead again.

fantasy_nude_male_angel_man_1This is pretty minor stuff.  I didn’t total a car (this time), or get arrested, or alienate any of her friends with lewd, drunken come-ons.  I didn’t hang out and close any bars.  I awoke in no strangers’ beds.  I didn’t start any fires or break any appliances, chiefly because I didn’t use anything more complicated than a ceiling fan.  No confrontations with the neighbors.  I didn’t get fired.  No cats were injured or mysteriously disappeared.  No holes in the wall, splintered furniture, blown speakers, or scattered glass shards.

I didn’t do shit.  In her absence I revealed myself as a broken spirit, domesticated, obedient.  Guido’s little angel.  A goddam gelding.

Life as I fantasized it is over.  So over.

I’m glad she’s home.

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8 Responses to Ball and Chain

  1. Ms Calabaza says:

    “I’m cramped up and limping like a declawed stone crab” … love it!

  2. Old Timer says:

    Welcome to the club. Heh heh heh.

  3. Kent Standit says:

    Obviously you didn’t call the right people.

  4. Tanya Hyde says:

    Don’t come crying to me, squatty! I didn’t see you on the beach or at LRB’s. What kept you away but your own laziness?

  5. Peter Pan says:

    “Life as I fantasized it is over.”

    I feel your pain.

  6. Guido says:

    Suck it up, Squatty. I know I’m your worst nightmare come true, i.e. your wife! But get over it…’re much happier now, trust me. Or at the very least you have a more interesting life with me than without.

  7. Lukraakvars says:

    Funny shit, thanx for the laugh!

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