The world has been awaiting this invention with open arms and spread cheeks.
“Comfort Wipe is a stick that holds your toilet paper for you as you wipe your butt. Really. The commercial will make you think it must be some sort of a joke, but ComfortWipe is a real product being marketed by infomercial giant Telebrands.” — [via]
(I can’t figure out how to embed the video — but here’s the link)
I especially like the jolly roly-poly guy telling us that his own ass is too fat to reach around in order to wipe effectively. Textbook TMI, but it’s too late: try looking at the fat people you work with every day the same way now that you’ve heard this.
So the only answer is either buy yourself an ass-stick, or maybe go back to the old days and keep corn cobs around the crapper. Installing a bidet would be costly and distinctly non-portable. Another alternative, in places like California, Texas, Florida, is hire an illegal alien. Actually, with unemployment pushing 10%, this could work anywhere.
While we’re on the subject of fat people, digest this:
The annual healthcare cost of obesity in the US has doubled in less than a decade and may be as high as 147 billion dollars a year says new government-sponsored research….Among the findings:
- The medical costs for an obese person are 42% higher than for a person of normal weight….This equates to an additional $1,429 per year: the costs for an obese person on Medicare are even greater.
- Medicare prescription drug payments for obese recipients are about $600 a year more than for normal weight recipients…..Obesity accounts for 8.5% of Medicare expenditure, 11.8% of Medicaid expenditure, and 12.9% of private insurance expenditure. —MedicalNewsToday.com
Let’s can the sweet talk and say it straight: Fat Senior Citizens Are Bankrupting Health Care, and it’s costing the rest of us a lot of money! Stop blaming illegal immigrants for driving up health care costs when it’s your own toothless grandma sucking down the high-caloric sodium-saturated Early Bird Specials (and stealing the sugar packets for dessert).
And get this — they’re probably not wiping their fat asses, either. How many seniors do you suppose actually bought themselves their own personal ComfortWipe? I thought so.
I know, it’s not JUST old people. Childhood obesity in this country is at epidemic proportions. Americans eat too much and we eat way wrong. That never especially bothered me, but now that I see it’s on MY dime, well, I think stern action is needed. I recommend distributing complimentary amphetamines and cigarettes. The kids will love ‘em, and old people will take anything if it’s free.
As for the ComfortWipes, I just solved my Christmas shopping problem. I wonder if they come in green-and-red.