Wipe Out

The world has been awaiting this invention with open arms and spread cheeks.

“Comfort Wipe is a stick that holds your toilet paper for you as you wipe your butt.  Really.  The commercial will make you think it must be some sort of a joke, but ComfortWipe is a real product being marketed by infomercial giant Telebrands.” —  [via]

(I can’t figure out how to embed the video — but here’s the link)

comfort-wipeI especially like the jolly roly-poly guy telling us that his own ass is too fat to reach around in order to wipe effectively.  Textbook TMI, but it’s too late: try looking at the fat people you work with every day the same way now that you’ve heard this.

So the only answer is either buy yourself an ass-stick, or maybe go back to the old days and keep corn cobs around the crapper.  Installing a bidet would be costly and distinctly non-portable.  Another alternative, in places like California, Texas, Florida, is hire an illegal alien.  Actually, with unemployment pushing 10%, this could work anywhere.

While we’re on the subject of fat people, digest this:

The annual healthcare cost of obesity in the US has doubled in less than a decade and may be as high as 147 billion dollars a year says new government-sponsored research….Among the findings:

  • The medical costs for an obese person are 42% higher than for a person of normal weight….This equates to an additional $1,429 per year: the costs for an obese person on Medicare are even greater.
  • Medicare prescription drug payments for obese recipients are about $600 a year more than for normal weight recipients…..Obesity accounts for 8.5% of Medicare expenditure, 11.8% of Medicaid expenditure, and 12.9% of private insurance expenditure. —MedicalNewsToday.com

Let’s can the sweet talk and say it straight: Fat Senior Citizens Are Bankrupting Health Care, and it’s costing the rest of us a lot of money!  Stop blaming illegal immigrants for driving up health care costs when it’s your own toothless grandma sucking down the high-caloric sodium-saturated Early Bird Specials (and stealing the sugar packets for dessert).

overweight-elderly_64And get this —  they’re probably not wiping their fat asses, either.  How many seniors do you suppose actually bought themselves their own personal ComfortWipe?  I thought so.

I know, it’s not JUST old people.  Childhood obesity in this country is at epidemic proportions.  Americans eat too much and we eat way wrong.  That never especially bothered me, but now that I see it’s on MY dime, well, I think stern action is needed.  I recommend distributing complimentary amphetamines and cigarettes.  The kids will love ‘em, and old people will take anything if it’s free.

As for the ComfortWipes, I just solved my Christmas shopping problem.  I wonder if they come in green-and-red.

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14 Responses to Wipe Out

  1. If there is such a drive to tackle obesity, than why is our new Surgeon General overweight? Answer me that.

  2. Ruh Roh says:

    Greg: Where did you get the impression there’s “such a drive to tackle obesity?”

    What I’d like to see is a drive to tackle overpriced, ineffective, unfair health insurance. Why not work on that in your spare time and report back?

  3. Joe Balls says:

    I never met anybody too fat to wipe their own ass – I think. Of course, I don’t know Rosie O’Donnell personally.

  4. Art Rox says:

    This is the best product I’ve seen since that fake golf club you carry with you on the greens in case you need to take a quick leak. It’s comforting to know that corporate America constantly thinks about our excrement, isn’t it?

  5. Flaming Yon says:

    The commercial is disappointing because there are no demonstrations, just talk. You can’t tell me that Courtney Love wouldn’t be the perfect spokesperson, during which she would demonstrate the product’s use.

  6. Roxie FatAsss says:

    Do you have permission to print my picture?

  7. Otis TC says:

    Nice picture of the lady on the bench. My only complaint is that due to her stomach hang I can’t quite see her vagina.

  8. R. says:

    but is it dingleberry-proof?

    On another note: it seems you need a little vopod in your life.
    http://vodpod.com/wordpress

    • Squathole says:

      R: Thanks for the link. I’ll try it. My technological skills are shall we say limited, if not actually retarded (in the literal sense). WordPress seems to have built-in shortcuts for uploading videos right next to the controls for uploading pictures, but the problem I encountered was grabbing the videos and putting them where WordPress could find them.

      If this works, I owe you a beer. Not orangey Shocktop, though. I need to address that swill in a post some time.

      • R. says:

        No worries squatty (sp?). & if it works, I’ll take that Blue Moon you mentioned in some other post. (How’d’you know?) btw, what’s the deal with the Shocktop? I’ve yet to try it. Something about the logo screams bad oranges to me. Huge turn-off.

    • Squathole says:

      R: I just this moment figured out that Blue Moon and Shock Top are not the same beer. One is made by Corpse, the other Antpower-Bush. Shock Top looks and even tastes like watered-down Tang; the orange wedge it’s often served with is a warning flag. Belgian beer — the real stuff, not its American knock-offs like these — does very little for me anyway. I miss my Rolling Rock, but that’s another story for another day (and a whole post!).

  9. Fearless Frank says:

    A better name would have been “AssWipes,” except that doesn’t distinguish the product from the user.

  10. Mr Schwinnckle says:

    Wipe out, isnt that what you did on your bicycle Squats?

  11. saggy says:

    lol eww thats some saggy cleavage.
    but on a more serious note, clean up your act you fat americans

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