In The Navy

San Diego, CA —  A sailor charged with murder who committed suicide in the brig at Camp Pendleton asphyxiated himself by stuffing toilet paper in his mouth, a Navy spokesman said Saturday.

Holy squeeze the Charmin, Batman!  And the back story isn’t any better: he was in the brig to begin with charged with “illicit drug use, larceny, burglary, theft, arson and unlawful handling of a dead body, according to a Navy statement,” as well as the murder of a gay sailor, whose family believes he was the victim of a hate crime.

“He was intent on committing suicide and stuffed toilet paper into his mouth until he asphyxiated,” [Navy spokesman Doug] Sayers said.  — Fox News

ist2_2293132-toilet-paper-and-bad-punsThink the armed forces will feature this vignette in their next recruiting campaign?

My guess is that if Satan himself had told this guy ten years ago about the way he would die, he would have cut a deal on the spot to do it sooner, if only differently.  Which leads me to another irony: that story, carried in my Sunday Hurled, was positioned next to this one, covering the President’s weekend radio and teh internets address:

“Innovation has been essential to our prosperity in the past, and it will be essential to our prosperity in the future,” Obama said…. “It is only by building a new foundation that we will once again harness that incredible generative capacity of the American people…All it takes are the policies to tap that potential – to ignite that spark of creativity and ingenuity – which has always been at the heart of who we are and how we succeed.”    — Miami Hurled

Say what you will about the events leading up to it, this original approach to suicide reveals exactly the innovative genius of which the President spoke.  10945830Even on a suicide watch, he managed with what he had — which, in a Navy prison cell wasn’t much — to “ignite that spark of creativity and ingenuity” by stuffing enough ass-wipe into his own pie-hole to suffocate himself.

Okay, so maybe as Americans we shouldn’t be proud or inspired, but can’t we be just a wee bit impressed?

Final Note:  A free jug of Liquid Plumr for the innovative genius who comes up with the sailor’s last words!

This entry was posted in People Who Died, Died. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to In The Navy

  1. Mr. Whipple says:

    Please don’t chew the Charmin.

  2. Kent Standit says:

    I’ll tell you what’s really disturbing about this. It sets the stage for forcing manufacturers to put warning labels on toilet paper, like “Please Do Not Eat,” or “Stuffing Product Down Throat Can Cause Injury or Death.” Is that the sort of thing you want to see when you unravel your TP to wipe your ass?

    What an asshole. Obviously.

  3. Private Partz says:

    Kent: You’re a funny guy.

    One thing the warning labels won’t say: “Not for internal use.” After all, it’s toilet paper!!

  4. Kim Chee says:

    What a poor choice for his last meal.

  5. Flaming Yon says:

    Last words: “Mmmph-mmph! Grlllllll-ech-ech auuuugghhhh.”

  6. Mr Whipple's Ghost says:

    Oooooh Sh————–t!

  7. alan j. says:

    Was it single-ply or double-ply?

    Also, I was just thinking about how in India they use their hands.

  8. Mr.Walcot says:

    Dear one,
    How is business? I hope by God’s grace business is moving on smoothly.My name is Mr.Walcot from the united state of America The main purpose of mailing you is that,I am in need of some Paper Toilet,when a business friend of mine asked me to contact you for assistant.I would like to order the Paper Toilet,I would like this order to be shipped international to my new store in SOUTH AFRICA .So if yes your company can assist me place this orders then kindly mail me back with the prices and types of the above mentioned item,So that I can quickly make payment for the orders and also don’t forget to mail me your method of payment.Thank you very much and hope to hear from you again.
    Best Regard

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