Dania Beach Vision: Bars and Gay Sex

Thanks to Mr. Schwinkle for the lead to the following…………

Your A to X Video Outlet, this city’s last adult entertainment business, remains defiantly open despite a 2001 ordinance that requires it to pack up and leave its Stirling Road home.

Dania Beach’s leaders intentionally created a “zone-out” to discourage certain kinds of commerce, argues Jamie Benjamin, the lawyer. Those citizens who seek “constitutionally-protected material that happens to be adult in nature” shouldn’t have to leave town to find it, he says.

“The city is trying to evolve,” said Mayor Anne Castro. “We’re trying to present a more family-friendly, tourism-driven environment — a nicer place to work, play and live.” — Sun-Sentinel

I place a call and get Gorgon Zola, Director of the Dania Beach Downtown Destruction Department (DB3D), the agency that has systematically closed damn near every successful business in the city.  I ask him what it feels like to stuff an ordinance up the bunghole of a sex shop.

“All part of the plan,” he tells me.  “What the mayor aptly termed, ‘evolution’.”

Darwin just rolled over, Gorgo.  You don’t spell evolution with a capital D.

NoTrespassingBulletHoles_R“The city’s progress from a small, successful seaside town to the plywood-window and vacant store capital of the county is in jeopardy,” he declares.  “That sex shop has long record of success, employment, and customer satisfaction.  We can’t allow that in our new city.

“Besides, Code Enforcement officers have seen sexual activity conducted on that store’s premises.  The mayor opposes sexual activity of any kind, of course, but her own dusty vaginal preferences aside, the only handjobs and sucking off permitted is restricted to City Hall.  That’s the law!”

So after you close down all the money-making small shops and businesses, what’s left?

“Ah, that’s the plan!  Once we wipe out the obstructionist little guys, we use politics and Indian money to carrot-and-stick that Jai Alai fortress outa town.  The Feds want that property for a maximum security prison to relocate the Gitmo prisoners here.  Imagine the jobs, from construction to maintenance to ongoing law enforcement and security!  Bottomless Federal treasury cash!  The city will make a fortune!”

I’m speechless, Gorgo.  You’d put a cement dungeon 2 miles from the beach?  You’d rather have prison cells filled with terrorists in your city than full-time residents raising their families, going to schools, and running tourist-oriented motels, restaurants, and professional services?  Or maritime services on your waterfront?  Or an arts community with a nightlife capitalizing on its tropical ambiance?

“I think the answer to that question is obvious,” he sniffs.  “If people want to fritter away their time and money on fun and entertainment, they can just go someplace else.”  He rings off.

Well, they’ll do just that.  They already have.  Ft Lauderdale to the north, Hollywood to the south, and gambling, the Hard Rock, and Seminole Paradise just west.  Dania is vacant as a dead dog’s stare.

Change the lyrics!  He paved paradise and put up a penitentiary!  Think he sees the irony of replacing a sex shop with a gigantic structure filled with bars and gay sex?

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16 Responses to Dania Beach Vision: Bars and Gay Sex

  1. Mister E says:

    Gay bars would be a vast improvement over boarded-up stores and vacant lots. I’ve lived in Dania for years, and I have trouble believing what I see – or DON’T see – when I ride through what’s left of downtown.

    You’re wrong, Axle and Slash. It’s not “welcome to the jungle.” Jungles have life and activity.

    • MadamI says:

      Mister E you are such a homophob you wouldn’t know whether to shit your pants or hide in the closet if a Gay bar came to town. Truth be told Dania along with the County is silently altering property usage. I just about peed my panties when I received the “courtesy notice” Broward County Planning Public Hearing Notice Plan Amendment PC 09-5. Oh and to boot along with all great businesses, why even the catholics are selling out and heading out of Dodge paving the way for the great big gambling way, coming soon to a jailai corner near you. Hell a couple of wind turbines and we can change our name to Atlantic City!! We’ve already got the homeless and the wood.

  2. Hose B says:

    LOL. But a better idea would be to just pave the whole place over from the intracoastal bridge to the airport, then expand the runways, build hotels and car rental agencies, travel services, etc. Forget the city. It’s a lost cause anyway.

  3. Rosie O'Donnell says:

    Hey P-Town, Key West and Rehoboth are great tourist destinations! You really need to do something with that town. I’m game!

  4. Ray Ed Gneck says:

    Rosie: If you’re game, I’m shooting.

  5. Denny the Dania Transvestite says:

    A to X is a great place. Dont run them out of Dania Beach. I will have to go back to walking US-1 with The Police Women of Broward County. I hang out at A to X literally all the time. The woods out back is a great place to suck and fuck too! I get it in the rear behind A to X all the time.

  6. Bubba says:

    Ray Ed Gneck, if you miss that fat pig, I gotch yer back!

  7. Bass Pro Shops says:

    As a corporate citizen of Dania Beach, we’re very proud of our city. Of course, we t identify ourselves as “in Ft Lauderdale” on all our advertising and website, but proud enough, okay?

  8. We are proud to say that we were filming in Dania Beach on US-1 and SE 12 Street running a reverse prostitution sting. We put our blonde with big boobs Julie Bower out on the corner and she was picking up John’s. We here at Police Women of Broward County think its great PR for Dania Beach. Dont forget to watch us on TLC.

  9. Cahoots says:

    HOLLYWOOD COMES TO DANIA BEACH

    And we are not talking about the Hollywood down the road. The California movie industry has found Broward’s oldest city to have some of the best film locations anywhere in the world. “Especially when it comes to filming horror films set in creepy old hotels,” said Albery Hitchcock, whose granddaddy knew something about making scary movies. “You’ve got three abandoned properties, The Pirates Inn, The Dania Beach Hotel and The San Soucy that are perfect. I mean those places are spooky at nigh noon let alone in the middle of the night.”

    Hitchcock has picked the San Soucy to film Psycho 26, the latest remake of his grandfather’s 1960 Classic. “The place reminds me a lot of the original Bates Motel,” the young director added, “and that old cement filled swimming pool out back has a lot of possibilities for buried bodies. We may not have Anthony Perkins to play Norman Bates but there are a lot of scary looking dudes walking around Dania Beach that would be perfect and will probably work for a six-pack of cheap beer and a pack of generic cigarettes. Actually, we already have two big name stars signed for the project, Adam Sandler and Will Farrell. They’ve never worked in horror genre before bit I think they will be excellent. What I find really scary is that they are still allowed to make movies.”

    Filming begins September 12. IF you are interested in being an extra cadaver or body part in Psycho 26, jump the fence, pry off the plywood and report to the Dania Beach Hotel lobby August 31 at noon.

  10. Pam - local wildlife says:

    Run to the Roundhouse Rosie, he can’t corner you there. Dania Beach has been going in circles for the past decade. What’s new?

  11. Pam - local wildlife says:

    Sorry I mean since 1906 and I should know, I’m still here. And you all thought I was the walking dead… I fooled you! Meet you at the Dania Beach Hote lobby!!

  12. Eric Burdon says:

    I searched my name this morning and found it on the bloody blog! Then I read the story. I remember this place being a shithole when we played at Pirates World back in the late 60s or early 70s. I cant really remember that far back anymore. I think it was too much acid.

  13. Mr Schwinnckle says:

    Dang, and I thought this post would get more action.

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