Just in time for my emergency trip to the Jersey shore! Two animal tales:
During a bizarre hearing yesterday, a Superior Court judge dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown [NJ]police officer accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves in rural Southampton in 2006, claiming a grand jury couldn’t infer whether the cows had been “tormented” or “puzzled” by the situation or even irritated that they’d been duped out of a meal.
“If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk,’ ” Judge James J. Morley asked.
Morley said it was questionable whether Melia’s alleged crimes against cows, although “disgusting,” fit the definitions in the animal-cruelty statute. — philly.com
If the cow had the ability to form thoughts, I suspect it would probably wonder why the hell anything as obtuse as this learned Hizzoner isn’t in a high chair when he presides over the court. A man throat-fucks calves for thrills (yes, there are photos, and he’s also got vids and pics of himself and his girlfriend with juveniles), and the judge can’t see this as animal cruelty? What part of “Moo” doesn’t he understand?
The police force suspended the officer, but that’s about it. “There’s no use crying over spilt milk,” observed a spokesman.
Meanwhile, across the mighty Delaware in the City of Bodily Harm……
The news that a cat was found body-wrapped in duct tape spurred an outpouring of public support to the Pennsylvania SPCA yesterday. The calls and emails brought clues about the culprit, claims of ownership, financial contributions, and offers of adoption, said spokeswoman Liz Williamson this morning. Thanks to donations, the reward has been doubled to $2,000 for information leading to a conviction, she said.
Several people phoned yesterday claiming to be the owner of “Sticky,” as workers at the North Philadelphia shelter nicknamed her. — philly.com
Well, maybe I’m just cynical (and there are currently 7 cats lounging in or around this house as I write this), but maybe some suffering cat owner just had enough with her infernal shedding and figured out a way to stop it. Lord knows duct tape is goof for fixing everything else, including broken bones. (For deep bleeding, though, it is advisable to apply Windex first.)
What the hell is wrong with people?
Anyway, I’m heading North on a grim mission: for the second time in two years I have a funeral to attend. Last October it was my mother, and, while I was up there, my uncle (her brother) slid out a day later. Two for one. Back to back ceremonies out at the cemetery, got to see the family in mourning mode two straight days. This time it’s a cousin and lifelong friend, who died swimming in the ocean while on vacation. ‘Way too young, ‘way too fast, ‘way too soon. Especially heartbreaking for his widow, and it can’t be fixed with duct tape. Or anything else.
Shit. Goddammit. Fuck.