Udder Depravity

Just in time for my emergency trip to the Jersey shore!  Two animal tales:

During a bizarre hearing yesterday, a Superior Court judge dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown [NJ]police officer accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves in rural Southampton in 2006, claiming a grand jury couldn’t infer whether the cows had been “tormented” or “puzzled” by the situation or even irritated that they’d been duped out of a meal.

“If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk,’ ” Judge James J. Morley asked.

Morley said it was questionable whether Melia’s alleged crimes against cows, although “disgusting,” fit the definitions in the animal-cruelty statute.  — philly.com

If the cow had the ability to form thoughts, I suspect it would probably wonder why the 08-udders-valor-gethell anything as obtuse as this learned Hizzoner isn’t in a high chair when he presides over the court.   A man throat-fucks calves for thrills (yes, there are photos, and he’s also got vids and pics of himself and his girlfriend with juveniles), and the judge can’t see this as animal cruelty?  What part of “Moo” doesn’t he understand?

The police force suspended the officer, but that’s about it.  “There’s no use crying over spilt milk,” observed a spokesman.

Meanwhile, across the mighty Delaware in the City of Bodily Harm……

The news that a cat was found body-wrapped in duct tape spurred an outpouring of public support to the Pennsylvania SPCA yesterday.  The calls and emails brought clues about the culprit, claims of ownership, financial contributions, and offers of adoption, said spokeswoman Liz Williamson this morning.  Thanks to donations, the reward has been doubled to $2,000 for information leading to a conviction, she said.

Several people phoned yesterday claiming to be the owner of “Sticky,” as workers at the North Philadelphia shelter nicknamed her.philly.com

“Sticky.”

Well, maybe I’m just cynical (and there are currently 7 cats lounging in or around this house as I write this), but maybe some suffering cat owner just had enough with her infernal sheddinduct_tape_cat_600g and figured out a way to stop it.   Lord knows duct tape is goof for fixing everything else, including broken bones.  (For deep bleeding, though, it is advisable to apply Windex first.)

What the hell is wrong with people?

Anyway, I’m heading North on a grim mission: for the second time in two years I have a funeral to attend.  Last October it was my mother, and, while I was up there, my uncle (her brother) slid out a day later.  Two for one.  Back to back ceremonies out at the cemetery, got to see the family in mourning mode two straight days.   This time it’s a cousin and lifelong friend, who died swimming in the ocean while on vacation.  ‘Way too young, ‘way too fast, ‘way too soon.  Especially heartbreaking for his widow, and it can’t be fixed with duct tape.   Or anything else.

Shit.  Goddammit.  Fuck.

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8 Responses to Udder Depravity

  1. Mr Schwinnckle says:

    Well at least with a duct taped cat you dont have to worry about hair balls or shedding.

  2. Manual Override says:

    Gross as gross gets. Which one of the three in the top photo is the guy who did it?

  3. Kent Standit says:

    I think there may be some confusion borne of simple ignorance. Maybe the cop is just a leg man who thought he’d try sex with calves. That’s all.

    As for the cat story, more confusion. You don’t put duck tape on a cat, you use cat tape. How hard is that?

  4. Barbara Ganousch says:

    After a while, your start to dread your trips back home because they become occasions for tragedy only. I can’t go back to New York without thinking of all the funerals and other sad reasons that took me back. Try to do something memorable and pleasant while you’re there to balance it out.

  5. Ted End says:

    Good thought, Barbara Ganoush. Maybe he could get a tattoo or something. Or duct-taped.

  6. Ms Calabaza says:

    Very sorry for your loss…

  7. MadamI says:

    And this is what you leave us with? Memorable. Just memorable. and on my birthday no less…

  8. Mister E says:

    Happy birthday MadamI. Are you old enough to step on your own udders yet?

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