Bats Blow

Thanks to Ms Calabaza for alerting me to the following:

[A] study found that more than two-thirds of female short-nosed fruit bats (Cynopterus sphinx) performed fellatio on their sexual partners, and that they were rewarded with longer bouts of intercourse as a result.  Science magazine reported: “Both sexes groomed each other during courtship. But then came the shocker.

“After the male mounted the female from behind, she bent over and began licking his penis.”

The research found that the longer a female licked for, the longer the intercourse: on average, a second of fellatio gained six seconds of intercourse. On average, mating lasted four minutes for fellators, twice the average of non-fellating females. –

I encourage you to refer to the original article, which includes a video of fruit bats in action.  To the best of my knowledge, there hasn’t been a as visual a demonstration of BatSex since the first Batman movie – which led to Robin’s career in Europe as a spokesman for tooth-whitener.

Elvira1I can’t remember my high school biology teacher mentioning that a career in Life Sciences might lead to opportunities to watch winged mammals get it on, but I suspect if he had, my career would have been changed, and enhanced significantly.

As it is, I can’t help but observe that IRL, I’ve favored short-nosed females myself, whose tendency to perform orally may or may not be related to the length of their proboscis.  (Insert Pinocchio joke here.  Punch line: “Lie to me!  Tell the truth!  Lie to me! Tell the truth!”)    Maybe there’s anthropological evidence —  short nose, active tongue, deep throat, etc.

And while I never  — NEVER —  climbed into bed armed with a stopwatch, I think it’s fair to say that when I or my partner went down, the sexual encounter lasted longer.  Well, duh.  It’s called foreplay, guys.  Try it.  She’ll love it.  Improves the flavor, too.

This whole experience has me looking at Bela Legosi in a whole new way.  As for Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, well, Be Still My Heart.

Wait, there’s more:

Paul Vasey, a behavioral scientist at the University of Lethbridge in Canada, said that there could be evolutionary reasons for fellatio, and that the fruit bat discovery could allow scientists to test it. He warned, however, that the bats could just be doing it for fun.

Bats just wanna have fun.  I mean, really, what else is there for them to do?  You hang around upside-down all damn day in a dark wet cave, you gotta cut loose, you know?  Meet me down at the Wings & Wangs at midnight.

This finding will upset those members of the clergy and government who for years have condemned fellatio as an “unnatural act,” prohibited as sodomy, a punishable offense .  Not that anybody with a two live hormones to rub together  ever takes that crap seriously (including allegedly celibate clergymen).  But if what birds do, and bees do, and now bats do is part of the master plan, who are we mortals to condemn it?

Actually, some of those bats are kind of cute.  I never noticed that before.

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8 Responses to Bats Blow

  1. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  2. Camiel Toe says:

    So glad you’ve heard of foreplay. Please inform your fellow males, most of whom in my experience have less charm and technique than your average fruit bat.

  3. Not Born Yesterday says:

    What really surprises me about this is that there’s no mention of begging, bribing, or making an appointment. The female just does it. Not like the old bat I’m married to. I better not sign this.

  4. Ruh Roh says:

    Which way to the belfry?

  5. Kent Standit says:

    It’s a good thing we’re talking about bats. If it was Chicken Fellatio, for example, some people might think we were discussing a pasta dish.

  6. Kim Chee says:

    Fellatio isn’t a pasta dish. It’s an appetizer.

  7. Human Buffet says:

    Bats disgusting. Have you no class?

  8. Bill Clinton says:

    Interesting, very interesting. So, where do these fruit bats hang out? Just askin.

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