I’ll Come Back for the Cottage Cheese

Quite a week around here and it’s barely Tuesday.  Two names from the past appear (Rollo Nickels and Miami Harold) in the comments section, along with some impassioned exchanges (apparently from Great Britain) over that ancient post, “Dem Bones Dem Bones Dem Bones.”

And then there’s this in the email:

Walcot Kevin

to customerservic

Dear one,

How is business? I hope by God’s grace business is moving on smoothly.My name is Mr.Walcot from the united state of America The main purpose of mailing you is that,I am in need of some Paper Toilet,when a business friend of mine asked me to contact you for assistant.I would like to order the Paper Toilet,I would like this order to be shipped international to my new store in SOUTH AFRICA .So if yes your     company can assist me place this orders then kindly mail me back with the prices and types of the above mentioned item,So that I can quickly make payment for the orders and also don’t forget to mail me your method of payment.Thank you very much and hope to hear from you again.

Best Regard


I’d enjoy following up on this, negotiating the price of the paper toilet he requests, but life’s too short and the beer’s getting warm.  (How does this work?  Do you wipe yourself afterwards with porcelain?)  I would also congratulate Mr. Walcot on his excellent command of English: clearly he’s a product of our public school system, prepared to compete in 21st century global markets.

Reminds me of an encounter I had on Thanksgiving.  Guido sends me off for 40 pounds of bagged ice for the coolers.  The idea is to move the wine and beer out of the refrigerator to make room for the food, then use the coolers for a bar during dinner.  Publix is closed, so I motor over to the local Circle K, staffed by heathen illegal immigrant non-believers who work on holidays.  (Jews, probably  Don’t let the turbans or Spanish accents fool you.  Devious swarthy bastards control the money, the media, AND the convenience stores.  I hear that on the radio.)

I tell the counter person I want to pay for 40 pounds of ice.  Her eyes widen.  “40 pounds?” she asks, despairingly.  Shakes her head.  “I don’t have that.  I guess you could look, but….” And she spreads her hands apart to visualize what a container that size would be.

I use small words to assure her I realize ice comes in 10-pound increments (I do not use the word “increment”), and that all I want is 4 bags.  “Four tens,” I say.  “40 pounds, right?”

“Ah,” she says, relieved.  “Oh, yes.  Okay.  You fool me when you say ’40 pounds.’”

I pay with a $20 bill and VERY carefully check the change.

Tomorrow I think I’ll go back and ask is she has paper toilets.  If so, I’ll hook her up with Mr. Walcot.  No broker’s fee, either.  I’m just a nice guy.

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9 Responses to I’ll Come Back for the Cottage Cheese

  1. Ted End says:

    Ha ha that’s a really stupid email but I bet he probably meant “toilet paper.”

  2. Conservative Base says:

    “Devious swarthy bastards control the money, the media, AND the convenience stores. I hear that on the radio.)”

    We hear that on the radio, too. It must be true.

  3. 8 Bells says:

    Like most dullards working counters in south Florida, that clerk has less than 10 ounces of grey matter, no matter how she adds it up. This is why it takes 10 minutes to buy a pack of cigarettes everywhere you go.

  4. Paot says:

    I understand you’re being satirical with those comments about Jews, but it’s in very poor taste and offensive.

  5. SuperBee says:

    As one Jew to another, I don’t find your comments offensive in the least. It’s good to control everything. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to evict a little old lady from her house, before stopping by a Shiva for dinner. Mmmm! Epicure!

  6. Evil Turbanned Jews with Spanish Accents says:

    You exposed our secret. Now we’ll have to kill you. Oh wait, it’s Shabbaas.

  7. Hose B says:

    The counter clerk probably thought you said, “40 pounds of RICE.” Which back in my country (and maybe hers) would feed a family of 4 for a year.

  8. Joe Biden says:

    “staffed by heathen illegal immigrant non-believers who work on holidays. (Jews, probably Don’t let the turbans or Spanish accents fool you.”

    LOL! I thought they were Pakistanis!

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