Fear of Flying

In the midst of all the other end-of-year craziness, the US Department of Transportation announced a “Passengers Bill of Rights,” which carries penalties to airlines for  such inhuman crap as sitting on the tarmac for over 3 hours, and showing bad videos while charging for drinks.

Why now?  People have been bitching futilely about the decline of service for years.  I call my friend Upton “Sky” Wrighter, a veteran of the airline industry since stewardesses wore caps and actually smiled, for the inside story.

“You can blame the auto industry for starting it up,” he says.  “Remember the outrage when the Big Three assholes flew into Washington on their private jets to beg for a handout?  That’s when it started.”

Connect the dots for me, Sky.

“Congress acted like this bothered them.  They made a big stink.  Tossed out words like ‘arrogant,’ ‘insensitive,’ ‘culture of entitlement,’ ‘corporate welfare,’ etc.  They wondered what in hell these big cheeses were thinking –high-fliers demanding a bail-out.”

Congress actually said that, huh.  That’s rich.

“Yeah, but that’s politics.  And then the financial industry pulls the same act.  Totally colorblind to the appearance of their own behavior.”

How unusual – corporate America, after decades of getting everything they want, acting as though they can DO anything they want.  Go figger.

“But they caught on, and pretty soon, they shelve the private shuttles and start riding the commuter flights with everybody else.  Which is when they find out how bad it can be.  It never bothered them before because it didn’t affect them personally.

“But once they start suffering, they get motivated.  They start lobbying their hired hands and pretty soon you see action, because the way it works, the system won’t let the big boys suffer  the way ordinary commuting slobs like you and me have been for all these years.”

You mean, the toadies in Congress and USDOT that are supposed to represent the interest of the commuting public didn’t move until the Masters of the Universe waved their wands?

“Duh.  Who do you think owns their asses?  Hey – in your wildest fantasies, do you suppose Transportation ever gave a shit about ordinary commuters?

Sky, ordinary commuters don’t figure into my wildest fantasies.  I’m more inclined toward lingerie models and vibrating translucent anal beads.  Toss in some of Santa’s elves…..

“Spare me, pervert.  Constipated Christ.  Anyway, they apply the pressure, and the government jumps.  Like everything else, you gotta be somebody get anything done.  Hey, I gotta go.  Happy New Year and all that horseshit.”

I should have known, but it’s nice to hear it from an inside source.  Well, whatever it takes.  Maybe the trickle down theory has some validity after all.

Hope Santa brings everybody some anal beads, or whatever your favorite fantasy involves.

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9 Responses to Fear of Flying

  1. Sponge Bob Square Pants says:

    Go back to the part about Santa’s elves and the vibrating anal beads.

  2. Fran G'Panni says:

    I buy this completely. It goes hand in hand with the medical profession ignoring AIDS until straight people starting contracting it and dying, or crack being ignored by cops until white people started using it. Peasants don’t get perks.

  3. Miami Harold says:

    I light of last week’s post about your readers,
    perhaps it would be wise to clarify
    that you are not inviting them
    to submit their fantasies at this time.
    Unless you are.

  4. Bill O'Reilly says:

    You can thank your humble host for bringing this out on our show. We not only brought back “Merry Christmas” but now we have rights. Bloviating works.

  5. Rachel Maddow says:

    Oh yeah? Why don’t you take a stand on gay marriage Billy?

  6. Kent Standit says:

    The problem with the vibrating anal beads is they tend to unclog and loosen up colon detritus, muddying the waters of an otherwise splendid orgasm upon removal. If you catch my drift.

    Of course. some people like that, too. In other words, What Can Brown Do For You?

    • squathole says:

      “What can Brown do for you.” Kent, I’m speechless. This is the closest I’ve ever come to striking a comment. Once more you’ve stepped on the line and leaned over it. In a way, I guess congratulations are in order.

  7. UPS Delivery Guy says:

    Hey Standit, I can show you what brown can do

  8. MadamI says:

    Did we mention that these poor souls sat on the tarmac WITHOUT the use of the lavatory! Yeah that’s brown for you! It was the “new green” of that day!!

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