King of Hearts

Important news, verbatim, from the Miami Hurled:

Q: Our dog Abbie’s gas smells so bad we all have to leave the room when she lets one fly. She has many food allergies, so she’s on a special diet. Is there anything we can give her or add to her food?

Flatulence is normal and physiologically appropriate in most cases, but that doesn’t mean it’s a welcome punctuation to our pets’ post-prandial slumbers.

First, a diagnosis is in order, and that’s where your veterinarian comes in. Problem is, this is a complex and expensive bit of work, and in most cases, definitive diagnosis of excess gas production isn’t possible. That’s why it often comes down to trial and error.

For most common gas issues, it’s worth switching foods diligently every few weeks to see if it makes a difference….Novel protein or hydrolyzed protein diets, probiotics, prebiotics, activated charcoal and/or other pet food additives can sometimes do the trick, too. (Forget Beano, by the way; it’s been deemed unhelpful in pets.)

The key is to take a methodical approach to your gassy pet’s diet and supplements. But I’d never begrudge you a gas mask if Abbie’s stink bombs defy remedy.

Around my house — and we’re on our second dog now — I’m the King of Farts, thank you.  But the advantage of a farting house pet is, you can blast away to heart’s content and blame the creature, who will not deny it.  This is an excellent benefit for when the pastor drops by.

Of course, my cover is blown when the dog trots over and stuffs her nose in my ass to huff.  The miserable creature gets off on my farts: she wags her tail and dances.   We got the talent — all we need is popcorn to complete this circus act.

This doesn’t work with cats, by the way.  The creatures fart plenty, but they simply never admit it, nor do their expressions change.  Guido and I will be lying in bed, reading, when simultaneously we’ll look at one another aghast, then glare at one of the felines reclining on our feet (sometimes there are more felines than feet in the bed).  ‘Alright, who let it go?” I ask.  Such innocent faces.

Bad news about the Beano, by the way.

dog photo credit: visit the site!

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4 Responses to King of Hearts

  1. ya'gotta'guessit says:

    Flabbergasted theater producer:
    “So what do you call your act?”

    Squathole: “The Aristocrats!”

  2. Hopkins says:

    Bad news about the Beano, by the way.

    I do hope you are jokng?

    • Squathole says:


      Thanks for stopping by.

      This is an old post…….but still timely. The dog still farts, and so do I.

      I really don’t know how well Beano works on man or beast. I never tried it, nor have I administered it to any of the creatures with whom I share my home. Farts are part of life. I embrace life, even when I find it necessary to inhale through my mouth. That said, if I had a dog whose farts were intolerable, I’d kill the fucker and blame Glenn Beck. “She tried to compete,” I’d say, “and when it comes to foul emissions, who could?”

      Hope this helps.

      Again, thanks for stopping by.

  3. Squathole says:

    Hey — are you folks visiting this site in record numbers because you think it has something to with Valentine’s Day? Boy, is the joke on you.

    Say it with gas, lovers.

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