Sprung?

It’s been soooooo cold this winter………

(How cold is it?)

It’s been so cold the lawyers have been running around with their hands in their OWN pockets.

Wow is that old.  But then, so is this goddam winter weather……which, in my exhausted but hopeful state, I think has finally, on the weekend of the first day of spring, cleared out for good.

Not that Guido has any intention of removing the electric blanket from the bed.  Or the other one.  Guido trusts the weather as far as she can pis up a tree.

But for the first time this year I’ve seen some signs of spring.  On Saturday, the beshitted bum homeless person at the bus stop on Federal and Johnson was out on the curb without his wool cap on.  I see (and smell) blossoms on my sour orange tree.  I watched two lizards copulating (and got jealous).  A friend reported seeing an entire caravan of packed Winnebagos with Canadian plates heading north on I-95.

This was the worst winter I’ve spent in Florida since we moved here in 1985.  I lost scores of plants, and the landscaping has been decimated.  We ran the heat continuously for weeks.  I lost my tan completely – I was as pale as Casper’s ass  for the entire month of January and most of February.  We went through gallons of Jack Daniels and Tullamore Dew, our cold weather drinks, instead of tequila.  It’s been grim.

Many times this winter we asked ourselves, “Why don’t we move to Florida, where it’s warm?”

I’m not fully invested in the seasonal change just yet.  My leather coat remains accessible, as do my Harris Tweeds and wool jackets.  We’re still closing the windows overnight.  And I’m still on my winter cologne – I have one for each season, and by now in a normal year I’d be well into spring fragrance – but I don’t take it for granted.  Not this year.

I only hope all of you shrinking violets who whine and moan about the glorious heat and humidity we are fortunate enough to bask in, and who embrace the “refreshing” cold fronts that arrive late in the year, have finally had enough and will shut the hell up.  But you won’t.

This entry was posted in News From the Nation's Dicktip. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Sprung?

  1. SuperBee says:

    I’m not planning on shutting the hell up at all. I’m dread, dread, dreading the seven impending months of hell.

    Oh, and I haven’t wished you well yet. But you know I do. Even if we do differ on what constitutes awesome weather.

  2. alesh says:

    That is correct we won’t.

    • Put some meat on your bony ass and stop complaining about 50 degree weather. Come on up to New England where men are men and lobsters are scared. 40 degrees and rain today. I’m gonna spend the day reading outside on the lounger. Spring has sprung.

  3. The Copulating Lizard says:

    Jealous, are you? Well, I have a sister — are you man enough to handle her? She’s a real beast, and word is you’re hung pretty light.

  4. Tanya Hyde says:

    Poor baby I feel your pain. It was in fact the worst winter in decades, and even my Tanorexics Anonymous collective broke tradition and sought indoor tanning facilities. It’s not the same, of course. Here’s to sunnier days!

  5. Yono Senada says:

    Have to agree with Superbee … I dread the coming swamp weather you seem to feel comfortable in. Have you ever put on your makeup, blow dried your hair and gone out to your car only to find you have freakin’ melted along the way? Ah yes, I await 10 months of air-conditioning and $300 monthly FPL bills. Welcome to Miami.

  6. Kent Standit says:

    Yeah, Squathole: What happens to your makeup in the heat and humidity? You turn into Gene Simmons? HA!

    Summer down here sucks. Except for you and those copulating lizards, air conditioning is the only reason anybody can bear to live here. Maybe ytou should take up his offer of humping his sister.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s