Wipe Out

EUREKA, Mo. – The outer road along Interstate 44 near Six Flags St. Louis is freshly paved – with asphalt made from recycled swine manure.  It is believed to be the first time asphalt has been created from swine manure.

“If this works out, it’s a win-win situation for everyone,” said Karlton Krause, a hog producer from northern Iowa. “For farmers, it produces revenue. And at the same time, it helps clean the environment. We’re taking a waste product and finding a value-added purpose for it.”

The smell can still be an issue, at least when the new asphalt is first applied. – VictoriaAdvocate.com

I place a telephone call to the Missouri DOT in the St Louis area, and reach a jolly-sounding fellow who identifies himself as Abner Shinola.

“You’re the fifteenth call today!” he says.  “Who are you, and which paper you with?”

Um, I’m Brown from the Sun.

“Well Mr. Brown, I guess you want to know who thought this up, how much it costs, and what kind of plans we have, right?”

Actually, no.  I want to know how long the smell will last.

“Well, that’s unknown.  We’ll find out.  Of course, one reason we picked that particular stretch of

I-44 is because the odor will sorta blend in anyway.”

Nice neighborhood.

“Well, you want bacon with your eggs you gotta grow pigs somewhere.  And anyone ever been near a pig farm knows it ain’t tulip country.  Yuk yuk.”

Yuk.  So, how much pig poo does it take to pave a mile of highway?

“Good question.  I think they said it works out to about 50 tons per mile.  Now this experiment is only  a 500-foot stretch, so that number’s got some conjecture built in.”

Fifty tons!  I’m almost afraid to ask, but is there any chance that if this works, there will be a shortage of supply and you’ll be feeding them Ex-Lax?

“Ha!  You’re from the city, aintcha?  One thing there’s no shortage of on any farm you go to is manure.  Why, there’s enough manure in farm country here to pave over New Jersey from end to end.”

Already been done, but I get the point.  Do you anticipate any problem with Muslims or orthodox Jews who don’t allow themselves to come into contact with swine (other than human, that is)?

“Nobody ever asked that.  I don’t know.  You want I’ll find out and call you back.”  He hangs up.  I don’t anticipate a call back.

Highways aren’t clean (let alone kosher) to begin with, but there’s something wrong with making them out of pig shit.  All those stories, songs, and movies about The Road, all those roadside bars, diners, clubs, cheap hotels….don’t we lose something when we know they’re pork products, based on the end product of a pig’s digestive system?  Bob Dylan, Highway 61, his boot heels tattooing….pig shit.  Jack Kerouac, On The Road, paved with pig poo.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to imagine the name of the product, as well as its packaging and logo.

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4 Responses to Wipe Out

  1. Porky Pig says:

    Thaaaaat’s all folks!

  2. “Do you anticipate any problem with Muslims or orthodox Jews who don’t allow themselves to come into contact with swine ”

    “None of them here. See, it works. That’s a the part of our sales pitch we call it ‘features and benefits’. We also call it a win-win. Want some for Florida?”

  3. Ghost of Arnold of Green Acress says:

    and everyone should be happy like a pig in shit.

  4. Kent Standit says:

    You’re on to something here, Squatman! Start paving airport runways with this shit (literally) and we’ll never have to worry about another raghead terrorist. Brilliant!

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