Monday is Day One of my conversion to lesbianism.  How has it come to this?  Let’s roll back the film.

After hours of research and personal interviews, Guido and I determine that the best course of treatment for my prostate cancer is radiation, where, for want of a better term, radioactive beams are shot up my ass to destroy the cancer cells.  Kind of like Star Wars In Your Anus.

The radiation oncologist prescribes a 3-month pre-treatment to weaken and shrink the cancer cells themselves.  Evidently the nasty little bugfucks live off testosterone, so the treatment consists of suppressing my body’s production of it.  I get an injection, then pop one pill daily for up to 3 months before the radiation begins.  He explains this to us carefully.

My first question: Will I grow tits?

He shakes his head sadly.  “Everybody asks that,” he says.  “No.  You won’t.  In the old days we administered female hormones, and then, you might have.  But now we simply reduce testosterone without increasing estrogen, or anything similar. However, you might experience hot flashes and erectile dysfunction.  It’s temporary.”

Temporary is too long.

“You’ll live,” says Guido.  “And I have plenty of batteries.”

Will I suddenly feel the urge to go fabric shopping?  Take bubble baths?  Watch movies that make me cry?  When people wish me Good Morning will I break out in howling hysterics or feel like I have to murder them just for being there?  I mean, how fucked up and irrational will taking my testosterone away make me?

The good doctor seems genuinely puzzled.  “I understand your concern,” he says, “but if you want to take advantage of the testosterone you currently have, you better abandon that line of thought.”  He glances anxiously at Guido, who is going through her handbag, possibly for a sharp weapon.   “Or at least stop articulating it with your wife present.”

What if taking away my testosterone turns me into a country-club, gin-sipping, checkered-pants Republican?  ‘Air, hellair, old bean—horrible business the Negro-in-Chief is doing, what?  Tying the hands of honest bankers and  giving it all to the unwashed and illegals, can you top that?  Must dig out the old carbine, send a check to the PBA.’

Guido has that stricken look I remember seeing just prior to my  last concussion.

“Look,” says the doctor, “Don’t overestimate the impact of testosterone, especially in a man your age.  It may have been very instrumental in shaping the person you’ve become, but that person – yourself – operates on your whole history of both rational and irrational behavior, and there’s no reason to believe it ends abruptly by temporarily altering your chemical balance.”

So I’ll still behave like a  giggling teenager when I think about bare breasts?  Even if l become a girl?

Guido and the doctor exchange looks of mutual professional sympathy.  “Yes,” they say, as one.

Okay.  Bring it on.

That was 2 weeks ago, which is how long the best health care system in the world takes to process the  paperwork for a drug administered thousands of times each year.  Today I go for the shot. I am sure, going in, it will be to the testicles.  It isn’t.  It’s in the ass.  Pictured here is the room with the apparatus used: patients drop trou and  place their hands under running cold water while the needle delivers its payload.

That was at 8:30 in the morning.  By noon, we’re in the yarn store, but we had to leave: the rain was making my hair just so unmanageable I couldn’t bear to be seen.

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9 Responses to Metamorphosis

  1. When Obalesque gets his first vaccination
    And his testicles start to curl
    He floats on the air like clouds do
    He enjoys being a girl

    Testosterone??? Didn’t he used to quarrterback the University of Miami?

  2. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs,

  3. Moose and Squirrel says:

    Your physician sounds like a wise individual, and from here it sounds like you’ve made s sensible choice. My concern, as a medical professional with experience in these kind of pathologies, is that by not working, you’ll find yourself with too much time to concentrate on your treatment, and grow unhealthily obsessed. Having a regular set of tasks and habits with set objectives to achieve daily is an important part of keeping everything in balance, and balance is vital to a patient’s stability and healing.

    Thanks for this post, and for sharing your experiences, which I know will help others as much as yourself.

    • Squathole says:

      There you go again, Moose and Squirrel, with the unsubstantiated generalization that might in any individual case be just flat-out fucking wrong:

      Having a regular set of tasks and habits with set objectives to achieve daily is an important part of keeping everything in balance, and balance is vital to a patient’s stability and healing.

      I don’t doubt this might be true for some people, and for all I know, many people. I also know it’s got nothing to do with me, and that the best way for me to deal with this kind of pain in the ass adversity is to clear my plate entirely. The worst thing I could do is keep on at a job where daily meaningless tasks amount to nothing but accumulated stress. Concentrating on my treatment is the BEST thing I can do.

      Of course, this makes no sense to you, because somewhere some doctoral student corked up a study based on a small sample of college sophmores that indicates otherwise. Or because you never bothered to actually ask real patients about it. Or because to you, it just makes sense, and your capacity to process information contrary to your instincts is limited, even painful.

      Thanks again for your good wishes and input, but also thank your gods I’m not your patient. We’d argue like cats and dogs.

  4. Yono Senada says:

    I don’t know about all of your concerns but your post today had me LMAO. Keep getting those shots and try to publish.

  5. Pricess Leia West says:

    Is that a light saber in your pocket, or should we just polish up the brass bikini?

  6. Fran G'Panni says:

    When your lesbian conversion is complete, make sure you visit me in KW. We have some clubbin’ to do. Bring Guido, of course!

  7. F5rannie says:

    lmao..where have I seen those stickin out girl ass sinks before? Vegas? Hilarious! You’ll do just fine, sweetie. Don’t pay attention to those who think you should be working at a stressful job you hate…makes no sense. Having a regular set of tasks and habits my ass! Set objectives to achieve daily? SERIOUSLY? The only balance you have to worry about is balancing the furniture in a room and designing the patio. Go balance some plates at the dinner table. You will keep busy trimming the trees, taking care of the plants all 100 of them, and maybe you will get into flower arrangements. No worries. Just party on with Guido and enjoy every minute of living for the moment and going with the flow.

  8. Rosie O'Donnel says:

    So are you taking my R Family Cruise to Key West?

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