Eye, Caramba

“In Soviet Russia, the vodka bottle paints you.”  — Old meme.

Before I converted to tequila (worship services held regularly on weekends), my drink was vodka.  Straight.  I’d buy a bottle of  Stoli 100 proof, cut some hot red peppers into it, and freeze it for about 6 months.  Then I’d sip it from a chilled shot glass.  It was a perfect marriage of hot and cold, ice and fire, and only a touch every hour was sufficient, especially when consumed with strong Espresso and joints rolled in hash oil.

Strike that final clause.  Wrong century.

So Mr. Schwinkle forwards me this, and I’m repulsed and appalled:

A dangerous new drinking fad has emerged: it’s called “vodka eyeballing.”  You don’t drink vodka — you pour it into your eye.

There are two ways people can do it.  The first is with a shot glass. However, because the name of the game is all about getting drunk quickly, some people just take a bottle of booze and pour it straight to the eye, reports News4Jax.com.

Teens claim it gets them drunk more quickly.  – Sun Sentinel

Teens.  Thank god (1) I don’t have any, and (b) I’m not one myself.

Even if I hadn’t experienced a raft of eye problems in my life – Lasik gone bad, rare fungus infection, cornea perforation, cataracts, detached retina (all this in a 6 year window) – you couldn’t convince me to pour vodka into my eyeball, any more than you could convince me to stuff kielbasa up my ass.   It’s just wrong.  It ain’t right.  No further explanation is needed.

In fact, if I were Vodka, I’d be offended.  That’s just no way to treat a spirit.

The name of the game is NOT to get drunk quickly.  That’s why stupid kids are stupid: It takes them years to figure this alcohol culture out, and the more they hear otherwise (particularly from ancient withered farts with bad eyes) the less inclined they are to listen.

So, as a sincere, practicing humanitarian, I say: Fuck ‘em.  Anybody with sufficient mental defects to pour a bottle of vodka into his eye deserves the immediate burning and eventual blindness he has coming to him.  Just give me a green light and I’ll be there to tell him “I told you so.”    (I LOVE telling people “I told you so.”  It makes me feel wise and powerful, like sprouting an erection at a rock concert.)

Moral: To enjoy your senses, use your sense.

This entry was posted in Shaken and Stirred. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Eye, Caramba

  1. Ted End says:

    Hey man, I saw Erection in concert last year! They rock! Didn’t know you were a fan, too!

  2. Travis T says:

    What a great eye-dea. And for dessert they can melt some ice cream in their armpits.

  3. Human Buffet says:

    In Soviet Russia, vodka drinks eyeballs.

  4. Hmmm, where do you store your kielbasa?

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