Dog Bites Dirt

Melting in the sun this afternoon, I overhear somebody about “the dog days of summer.”  While I never understand that expression, I don’t ask.  And then later I spot this on the wire:

The winner of several ‘ugliest dog’ contests last year has died at the age of 17.

Miss Ellie, a bug-eyed, pimply Chinese Crested Hairless, won her coveted titles over 60,000 other contestants and was currently starring in a comedy show in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.   Miss Ellie’s owner, Dawn Goehiring has plans to open an animal shelter in her memory.  Reports indicate Miss Ellie will be cremated.  –

Rest in Peace, you hideously ugly cur.

I am not a canine fan.  I’m neither impressed by their loyalty, nor warmed by their affection.  We’re on our second one, now, and Guido promises it will be the last – unless, of course, it isn’t.

Among the great pleasures of owning a dog, along with the ear-splitting bark in the middle of the night, the wet snurfling sound and sight of the creature chewing at its own nether parts, and that pervasive stench even when they’re clean and not actually farting, is the opportunity to pick up its shit.  Fortunately for us, we subscribe to both the Miami Hurled and the New York Times, which arrive in convenient plastic bags  perfectly suited for the task.  On walks, we take two in case the creature lays cable twice, which she seems to enjoy much more than I like walking down the street carrying a clear plastic bag of dog shit.

This process –  delivery of plastic bags filled with bullshit which we then fill with dog shit – encapsulates the meaning, moral value, and business of journalism.

We have cats, too – five at the moment, four of whom under the age of three – who very thoughtfully find some quiet secluded patch of earth on which to dump and bury it.  So I calculate that if it not for the dog, we could cancel our subscriptions and spend the money (over $10/week!) on something more worthwhile, like tequila.

As for the creature in the headlines, I submit that no dog is ugly when it’s dead.

Extra credit:  Explain why “bullshit” is one word, and “dog shit” two.

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11 Responses to Dog Bites Dirt

  1. ya'gotta'guessit says:

    “Rest in Peace, you hideously ugly cur.”

    Oh, holy crap!
    I thought Nancy Pelosi had kicked.


  2. Dawgbowl says:

    There’s something fundamentally wrong with anybody who doesn’t like dogs. In your case, it’s obvious: you’re a cat person. Cat people are mentally unstable. I trust you medicate.

  3. Mr Schwinnckle says:

    God for a second I thought it was a photo of Paris Hilton. She has been out of the news for a while now. But thanks for the laughs Squats. This again could have been a photo of something that washed up on the beach while you laid there baking in the sun.

    Ah yes dogs. As my 2 bark at nothing! Maybe a Lizard broke wind outside? Who knows. At least they keep the homeless walking on other streets through Dania instead of ours. Best trick by far so far I have seen is the Spoon Game! Who would know a dog would come running to get a light thump in the forehead with s spoon. And best of all she seemed to have liked it too.

    Suggestion for those clear plastic bags of shit you walk around carrying. Give it a good pitch over the fence / wall into the neighbors backyard. Aim for the pool, that should really screw with his PH and chlorine levels while he is away for the summer granting you peace and quiet.

  4. Extra credit answer: any shit that humans have to carry with them in plastic bags when they walk is described in two words.

    If aliens saw one creature shitting and the other bending over to pick it up, which do you think they’d try to communicate with first.

    In the case of you and Tiki, thank God they’d pick Tiki

  5. Yono Senada says:


    I hate to say this but -ditto Dawgbowl. I have to believe you’re kidding. I know you have to love your dog!

  6. Squathole says:

    Yono: I can’t honestly respond to that. I might just love her, But until we cook and eat her, I just don’t know.

  7. guido says:

    Stop complaining squats. I keep telling you to only take the Times bags because they’re solid blue. I save the clear bags for “poop patrol” in the backyard. & as for the farting I’ll take dog farts over your farts. Of cousre DuMont’s farts have proven the most odiferous of all.

  8. Teqi says:

    You know I ruv you daddy! Especially when we play ball. BTW what’s wrong with farts? I just ruv ’em. Haven’t you noticed my nose up your butt every time you let one rip? I wish more people farted like you.

  9. The Cats says:

    See what happens when you post about dogs? The tenor and culture of the whole blog tanks. Fart huffers, shit-smearers, the poodle petting set. Stay away from this topic forever, and remember, we’ll outlive that dog thing you brought in here. You might, too, if we’re satisfied with your conduct.

    Just do what you’re told.

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