Say It With Lactate

Something to chew on as you look around the workplace at your colleagues…….

[W]omen and men in Saudi Arabia must be careful not to mingle, as the insanely strict Islamic law bans mixing between the sexes who are not related.  Recently, the Saudis have issued a fatwa that forces women who come into contact with unrelated men on a regular basis to breastfeed them so that they can be considered “relatives” and not potential lovers.  The strangest part is, this isn’t the actual issue at hand.  The issue is, how do the men get the milk?

According to the Gulf News, Sheikh Al Obeikan, a consultant to the Ministry of Justice and an adviser to the royal court stated, “the man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman. He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the woman without breaking Islam’s rules about mixing.”

This fatwa applies to men who regularly come into contact with the same woman, or men who live in the same house with a woman. The woman has to pump her breast milk into a glass and give it to the unrelated male.  –

Another “Make Mine Vanilla” moment – that’s twice in two days around here.   (Only yesterday I said butter almond.)

Instead of offering this preposterous solution to a problem that isn’t there to begin with, wouldn’t it be more, I don’t know,  practical to somehow declare the Islamic law that gives rise to it null and void, or at least inoperative?  But that’s just not how religious leaders go about it.

So  guys, I guess  to keep the faith, you turn this into a ritual.  Every day at 10:30 the crew gathers at the Milk Bar for a Lactate Break.  Spend 15 minutes sampling bagels and pastries while sipping your colleagues’ expressed breast milk, talking about last night’s ball game and the stock market, whatever.   Get to know the folks you work with by the taste of their glands’ secretions.

Sounds like a splendid opportunity for networking sessions, too.

Like most men with a pair of hormones to rub together, I’ve lusted after colleagues over the years, sometimes acting on it (ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a bad idea).   I suspect this practice would put an end to that, but not for the holy reasons cited by clerics.  It’s just that sucking colleagues’ breast milk through a sippy cup sounds so udderly  (heh) perverse I’d probably be turned off forever.  No wonder goats are so popular over there.

Of course, if direct extraction is permitted, I might reconsider.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Say It With Lactate

  1. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  2. Camiel Toe says:

    “Bagels and pastries”? More like “bellies and pasties.” Te he.

    If this story is true, it reveals a repressed and twisted society over there. Ugh.

  3. NicFitKid says:

    Is there a Mufti correspondence course I can send away for? I’ve always wanted to proclaim my own fatwas.

    Unfortunately, the lactation fatwa has been called off :

    On Sunday, Dr Atiya retracted it, saying it had been the result of a “bad interpretation of a particular case” during the time of the Prophet Muhammad.

    Egypt’s minister of religious affairs, Mahmoud Zaqzouq, has called for future fatwas to “be compatible with logic and human nature”.

    • Squathole says:

      Fatwas as “compatable with logic and human nature?” They’ll have his head for uttering such blasphemy.
      Aah, well.

      Thanks for thre update, as disappointing as the news turns out to be. And you’ve given me an idea: how about if we I run a post called “Name Your Fatwa,” and invite readers to submit ideas? They could explain not only what fatwa they’d proclaim, but how to enforce them. I bet you’d be a regular contributor.

      • NicFitKid says:

        Dancing with the Fatwas. Who Wants To Be a Mufti? The Real Fatwas of New Jersey. America’s Got Fatwas. The reality show possibilities are endless, really.

        I’m really not that original, though, in the fatwa department. I’d probably start by having all the I-bankers wear a sandwich board that read “I extorted the economy for trillions” on the front, followed by “And I still don’t give a fuck” on the back.

        For petroleum CEOs and board members, just tar and feather them. We’ll use BP’s plentiful free oil for the tar and whatever c-notes are in their wallets for the feathers.

        That enough to get you started?

  4. The only way for religion to get around religion’s stupidity is for the guys who run it to proclaim a new law that allows them to do so. Hence, Imam Abdul deciding he really likes tits finds a way to make them legal. Why not

    Check out Bill Maher’s movie “Religulous” where the Israeli’s have developed all kinds if nutbag machines that allow them to do thing slike, God forbid, turn on a light switch ona Saturday.

    Remember, when religion was in charge, we called it The Dark Ages.

  5. Stephanie 1 says:

    I want this shirt to wear

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