Breaking (Wind) News

Talk about accidents waiting to happen, and a job site less pleasant than a coal mine.

FREMONT, Ohio (AP) — Authorities say a worker is missing and another is trapped after a roof collapsed at a sauerkraut factory in northern Ohio.

Rescuers are using a crane to lift up the collapsed roof in Fremont on Wednesday. Mayor Terry Overmyer says the one worker who is trapped at the Fremont Co. has been able to talk with rescuers.  Fremont County emergency director Chris Mock says another worker was flown to a Toledo hospital in guarded condition and a fourth was released from a Fremont hospital.

The company is about 40 miles southeast of Toledo. It makes sauerkraut and bottles ketchup and barbecue sauce.  – kgw.com

Hundreds of sweating corn-fed Midwesterners stuffed into a box-like manufacturing plant with open vats of sauerkraut, ketchup, and barbecue sauce.  Do we really need an investigation into what happened?

We’re interviewing workers and management,” confirms James “Slim Jim” Flatulence, Ohio Department of Safety and Code Enforcement.  “Evidently there was some kind of event which triggered a series of explosions.  It happened right after the first lunch shift.”

Workers in HazMat suits combed through rubble searching for the missing worker encountered clouds of dank gaseous substance trapped throughout the plant.  Despite protective equipment, several fainted on site, and many were sickened.  However, plant workers insist that conditions were perfectly normal prior to the explosion.

“Ve’re fermenting cabbage,” explained Otto von Bubblegutz, a veteran laborer.  “Alvays it smells dis vay.  Ve call it the Ol-Factory.  Heh heh heh.”

While results of a full investigation may take weeks, a spokesman for the plant speculates that a fart joke is responsible.

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3 Responses to Breaking (Wind) News

  1. "Esq." a Lawyer says:

    Nasty. But not as bad as the protective equipment OSHA recommends, available at the pickle factory next door.

  2. Frank of Oregon says:

    I’ve passed through (!) that part of Ohio, and I’d have to say that if it smells of saurkraut farts it’s one of the better scents you’ll find in Ohio, which ranges from pig manure to burning rubber. Ever been to Youngstown or Akron? They make Cincinnati look like Paris.

  3. There were other accidents there too. A friend worked there and got his penis stuck in the cabbage cutter. When he was finally freed, management stepped in and fired the cabbage cutter.

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