SACKED!

Or maybe, Great Balls o’ Fire?

OZREM, Serbia — In a remote Serbian mountain village, they’re cooking up delicacies to make your mouth water — or your stomach churn.

At the seventh annual World Testicle Cooking Championship, visitors watch — and sometimes taste — as teams of chefs cook up bull, boar, camel, ostrich and even kangaroo testicles.

The food — politely called “white kidneys” in Serbian — is believed to be rich in testosterone. In the Balkans, it is considered to help men’s libido….. The festival includes dishes like testicle pizza and testicles in bechamel sauce flavored with a variety of herbs found in the region.  – Sun-Sentinel

Testicle pizza.  Finally, somebody cooked up something more flagitious than the vile concoction of pineapple and Canadian bacon they dare to call pizza on the Hollywood broadwalk.

Do you suppose there’s a distinction in taste among testicles?  Do boars’ balls taste different than goats’ gonads?   I’m not a foodie, so I refer my question to one of my favorite alcoholic acquaintances, Cosmo, a regular at the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sports Emporium and Cellular Telephone Service, whom I bump into on Sunday evening.

“I guess,” she says, shrugging.  “You know, I’m a Vegan.”

A Vegan?  Cosmo, you’re a drunk.

“Yeah, and Barack Obama is a spade and the President.  You’re an unemployed cancer patient and fucking ugly.  Why can’t a person be two things at once?”

Well, sweet talker, when you put it that way…….

“Look, when I used to eat flesh, I tasted the difference.  Pork was different than veal, and beef was different than chicken.  They all had the same bloody vein and meat taste, but they each had their own distinct flavor.  I gotta figure their balls taste different, too.”

Makes sense.

“Besides, all over the country you got rib contests and chili cook-offs, right?   It’s the same beans and meat, but each recipe is distinctive.  It’s how you prepare it.  It’s the sauce and seasonings.  The age of the meat, the vintage of the pot.  I LOVE chili – beans, onions, peppers, and tofu.  I don’t need the animal.”

I wonder —  does anybody makes chili with buffalo balls?

“How bad could it be?  I don’t eat any meat at all – so to me, filet mignon is no more or less appetizing than a plate of Rocky Mountain Oysters.  What’s the fucking difference which part of a dead animal you actually put in your mouth?  These freaks want to suck down cooked animal balls, go right ahead.  Eating an animal is marginally better than fucking it, and at least pregnancy isn’t an issue.”

Now that I think about it, Cosmo, I’ve never seen you eat anything more solid than a cocktail onion.

“Alcoholism sure makes it easy to be a Vegan, you know? “  She hoists her drink.  “Here’s to your health!”

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment, Playing With Balls. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to SACKED!

  1. Mr Schwinnckle says:

    Hey Squats, What the hell is wrong with a good Hawaiian Pizza with Pineapple, Bacon, and Ham? Oh thats right your from Philly where they didnt do it like that. Let me know if you find a good slice on Hollyweird Broadwalk while hanging out with Tanya Hide. Still looking for a good slice over there while riding bikes.

    And where do you come up with this shit! 🙂

    • Squathole says:

      There’s everything wrong with it….but the fundamental issue is, that’s not pizza. Neither is the concoction you can get at the California Pizza Kitchen with smoked ducked and gouda cheese, or walnuts, alfalfa, and gruyere. Call it what you like, but it isn’t pizza.

      Now pork scrotum, provolone, and garlic…..maybe.

  2. CB Hudirolf says:

    I had to look up the word “flagitious” which I’ve never seen or heard pronounced. Nice one. It got me thinking about my first wife.

  3. Hose B says:

    I tried a testicle recipe — once. The taste was fine, like anything else that might have gone into the pot with potatoes, celery, carrots, gravy, and some kind of thick brown garlic sauce. But the texture left me a little queasy, that plus the knowledge of what I was swallowing. It took a lot of beer both during and after before I felt better about it.

  4. Camiel Toe says:

    Sorry, guys and gals, this isn’t how I enjoy putting balls in my mouth.

  5. Kent Standit says:

    The food — politely called “white kidneys” in Serbian — is believed to be rich in testosterone.

    Heh heh heh…..maybe this is something you should add to your diet once you finish your cancer treatment. Why don’t you ask the doctor who put you on Lupron?

  6. Yono Senada says:

    It’s bad enough it’s Monday … now this post … Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

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