Bare-Assic Park

Philadelphia, PA — One man put a new twist on bestiality Sunday afternoon when he sexually assaulted a dinosaur – a large, plastic one – in a Chester County park, according to police.

The unidentified man followed two teen girls – 13 and 14 – into Pomeroy Park in Avondale around 4:30 p.m. and first exposed his penis to them before he began “simulating a sexual act with a large plastic dinosaur in the park,” according to a state police news release.

The man, who is described as Hispanic, between 20 and 30 years old and around 5-foot-6 with a goatee, fled the scene on his bicycle, according to police….It was not immediately clear from the release if the dinosaur was a permanent fixture in a play area of the park. – philly.com

Study Questions

  1. Can it be considered “bestiality” if the sexually assaulted party is 100% inorganic plastic, and only shaped like an animal?  If not, how about 50%, as in a horse with four prosthetic legs?  How much inorganic material is permitted before the term “bestiality” is appropriate?  For extra credit: work Lady Gaga into your answer
  2. Which political party or individual politician comes to mind when you contemplate the expression, “fucking a dinosaur?”  Discuss.
  3. Is the alleged crime made any better or worse by substituting a different animal, such as a giraffe or wildebeest?  What about a Disney character or Teletubby?  Does anything change if it’s the Little Mermaid?  Explain your reasoning.
  4. Do you find this line of thought stimulating?  If so, report to the nurse (and avoid the locker rooms).

What’s really amazing is, when this weirdo is finally apprehended, he won’t even be embarrassed.

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6 Responses to Bare-Assic Park

  1. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  2. Kent Standit says:

    I’m not much of a fan of bestiality myself. Or underage girls, for that matter. But I have entertained the occasional lewd thought about the Little Mermaid.

  3. Missing Lincoln says:

    1.Can it be considered “bestiality” if the sexually assaulted party is 100% inorganic plastic, and only shaped like an animal? If not, how about 50%, as in a horse with four prosthetic legs? How much inorganic material is permitted before the term “bestiality” is appropriate? For extra credit: work Lady Gaga into your answer

    I believe a brightline rule to be most practical, at least until the FDA starts labeling the ingredients in large reptiles. Otherwise too much guesswork.

    2.Which political party or individual politician comes to mind when you contemplate the expression, “fucking a dinosaur?” Discuss.

    The Congressional Page Christmas Party. What more is there to say?

    3.Is the alleged crime made any better or worse by substituting a different animal, such as a giraffe or wildebeest?

    If the giraffe is in the tub, better. If the wildebeast is playing the oboe, even better.

    What about a Disney character or Teletubby?

    That’s a fargin trick question. The Fifth Amendment prohibits it.

    Does anything change if it’s the Little Mermaid? Explain your reasoning.

    Yes. It is above repreoach on moral grounds, on the basis of the Major Motion Picture Exception. See Hanks, Tom. See also Knotts, Don.

    4.Do you find this line of thought stimulating? If so, report to the nurse (and avoid the locker rooms).

    See Teletubby, above.

    • Squathole says:

      Good job, as always. You win by default, altho the judges are disappointed you steered away from a Lady Gaga reference.

      • Missing Lincoln says:

        If I had included a picture, you’d see that I was wearing a leather mask with goose-down appplique, and a couple of Anne Coulter books for boobs. You couldn’t tell from my impassive facial expression. Gaga is life, not some words on a page. Doh!

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