Fakin’ It

What do women want?  Whatever it is, men have no clue.  And don’t want one, either.

It will come as no surprise to most women, but men think they perform better than they really do in the bedroom.  Some 85% of men said the last person they slept with had an orgasm, according to new a U.S. survey.  Yet when the researchers asked women the same question, just 64% agreed.

The ‘orgasm’ gap is being blamed by experts on men being happy to please themselves without ensuring their partner is satisfied.

To illustrate the point, the study found that men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, whilst women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts.

‘While [vaginal intercourse] does appear to be the most common behaviour … many people are being diverse in their sexual lives.’ –Daily Mail

“Diverse in their sexual lives.”  Better not wander down that trail.  I mean, who among has NOT spent time on the lactating/amputee/pygmy/bestiality web sites?  Or the Indian fetish site, DotCom.com?

But the big story, which is not a new story, is that women say that most men don’t perform up to factory specs.   Not only do they concentrate on the wrong apparatus – which not coincidentally is the one men prefer – they’re largely disinterested in their partner’s satisfaction.

Q:  Gentlemen, how long on average does it take to bring a married woman to climax?

A:   Who gives a shit?  I’m married!

Biology plays a role here.  The female capacity for unlimited orgasms is the envy of the animal world.  A man’s climax is more akin to a good dump – one and done, roll over and snore.  The cutting edge here is what happens before he gets to that point, if he has the sense, stamina, and sporting mentality to engage.  But ladies?  Would you like to tell the audience how that’s working out in your sexual encounters lately?

Too many men climb aboard and start stoking like pistons, figuring the longer they keep it going, the more she likes it.  Wrong-o, bucko.  We all know it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion, but we should know that when you play an instrument as complex as the female body, the music you make depends on the keys you strike, the strings you pluck, and (ready?) the air you blow, and the holes you cover, not how hard you pound.  And the song you’re playing has peaks and valleys, adagios and allegros, pianos and fortes.  Bravo!  Encore!!

How can you have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Which is why the ladies fake it, lads.  They’ve played tackle dummy with their ankles open long enough, and they know the only thing that’s going to end it is if they con you into thinking it’s so good, so wonderful, you’re inspired to unload.  It’s why 85% of you, as opposed to 64% of them, figure the brass ring is in hand.  But both ways the ride is done.  Game Over.  Go to sleep, and let a girl breathe.  You figure you’re the Hero of the Hard On, she’s thinking about her stash of AA batteries.  It’s dawn in another hour.

Cascading crotch cotton!  It’s only Tuesday morning — is this suitable for work?  It’s off to the coffee pot.  Hold the cream.  That was sort of the point, wasn’t it?

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10 Responses to Fakin’ It

  1. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  2. Lois Terms says:

    Poor Guido.

  3. Human Buffet says:

    I was having sex with a vegan for a while. A short while. Twice, actually. She disapproved of battery-operated devices for some airhead reason, but she kept cucumbers handy (not the little kirby’s).

    She also disapproved of leather shoes, razors, tobacco, coffee, and insecticide. I told her I didn’t eat insecticide, either, but that wasn’t enough in common to keep the relationship intact.

    Anybody wants her phone number, I wrote it in blood in the bathroom at the butcher shop on Commercial Blvd and NW 5th.

  4. Yono Senada says:

    I agree Lois. Poor Guido.

  5. Camiel Toe says:

    Not bad for an old married guy, Suck-a-Squats! It sounds as though maybe you learned something along the way……maybe from your recent experience as a lesbian? (and how about a progress report?).

    Women know that men just don’t get it; guys know women know and just don’t care. There’s the whole story of the war between the sexes in one awkward but easy sentence.

    Human Buffet: you’re all the proof Mumblety Peg needs. Your vegan friend should use your carcass to fertilize her cucumber patch.

  6. Missing Lincoln says:

    I’m no math whiz, but it looks to me like 15% of men really don’t care, and 21% of women haven’t had the pleasure of my acquaintance.

    Call me, ladies…

    • Kent Standit says:

      Missing Lincoln, always thinkin’.

      Which 21% of the ladies do you prefer — upper fifth, lower fifth, or one of the areas in betweenly? Like maybe the taint?

      • Missing Lincoln says:

        Perhaps a recalculation is in order. Like I said, not a math whiz. But I can count to eleven.

  7. Squathole says:

    Linc: So can Spinal Tap!

  8. guido says:

    And here I thought you totally forgot all about this courtship knowledge. Now I see you’ve just been holding out on me. All I’m going to say is IT’S TIME TO GET YOUR GAME BACK ON!

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