“Dear Santa,” it begins, and goes on to explain that the First Daughters recognize how blessed and fortunate they are, and that they would gladly forgo presents of their own this year. “All we ask is that you give our Daddy, the President of the United States, a pair of balls,” they allegedly write.
The White House has officially declined comment, but an aide requesting anonymity dismissed the rumor as “rubbish.” Pointing at the White House tree, he asked incredulously, “Don’t you think we have enough already? Where we would hang another pair?”
Pressed for a reaction, former Attorney General Janet Reno at first volunteered her own, although she might have been referencing her famous vehicle’s truck nuts. Hard to tell with her.
In the Senate, (temporary) minority leader Turtle McConnell expressed the hope that the rumor is specious. “The last thing Republicans want for this President is a set of cojones,” he told reporters. “Functioning without them, he’s caved in to just about every one of our demands, completely endorsing our positions on tax breaks, domestic surveillance, Guantanamo prisoners, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and, until that BP business, off-shore drilling. What would he do with balls, anyway? Scare his own Democrats?”
In other related news, rumors that the President’s own Christmas list includes an American birth certificate were dismissed as “redundant.”