Some Assembly Required

Every so often one finds scientific evidence for something obviously true, yet seldom discussed.

Neurotic newlyweds who have frequent sexual relations are just as satisfied with their marriages as their less neurotic counterparts, according to a study published in the October issue of the quarterly journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

“High levels of neuroticism are more strongly associated with bad marital outcomes than any other personality factor,” study authors Michelle Russell and James McNulty of the University of Tennessee said in a statement.   But neurotic couples were an exception. Spouses with high levels of neuroticism were happier in their marriages if they had more sex, the study found. In fact, frequent sex was enough to wipe away the “happiness deficit” that neurotic people start out with.

Frequent sex is one way that some neurotic people are able to maintain satisfying relationships,” Russell and McNulty said. – Live Science

So, guys, unlike the old song, if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make a CRAZY woman your wife.  And hump her hard and often.

Somehow I always knew this.  It always struck me as obvious that what made women nuts was the same damn thing that made ME nuts: not enough nookie.  In my case, a climax a day keeps the howling fantods away.  Your average female needs more than that, of course, but nature blesses their machinery with the capacity for multiple – make that infinite – replications per session.

I’ve also learned that the battiest lunatics are the most enthusiastic ‘tween sheets athletes, capable of activities beyond a man’s wildest abilities, if not fantasies.  Let’s leave that one right there.

Any honest woman (oxymoron alert!) will tell you that competent sexual partners, while rare and cursed with a brief shelf-life, compensate for a host of other shortcomings, including money, common sense, and any vague notion of commitment.  Guido likes to remind me of the Universal Asshole Factor, which runs through the male gender in varying degrees, and invariably expresses itself (usually at just the wrong moments).  But all this can be placed in perspective by a sparkling sexual performance.  That’s life.  Accept it.

I come home sad and lonely / Feel like I want to die

I want a man to hold me  / Not some fool to ask me why..

— Bonnie Rait

Yes.  And “Show me a woman who won’t give head and I’ll show you a man who cheats.”  But let’s leave the Clintons out of this.

It’s déjà vu all over again, Yogi.  Freud.  Turn-of-the-century vibrators to cure “female hysteria.”  Beatniks.  The 60s.  All you need is love.  It’s hard to hate your spouse and act crazy when you’re glowing from orgasm.  Shut up and fuck!

There.  I’ve written my epitaph.  Thanks, Betty Blowtorch.

Have a great weekend.

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4 Responses to Some Assembly Required

  1. Camiel Toe says:

    This sounds wrong. Most of the neurotic couples I know keep the relationship going not by sex, but by arguing. They’d much rather fight. Some of them live to find reasons to be furious at their partners — it gives them an excuse to drink, cheat, and act as crazy as they want.

  2. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  3. Key Liam says:

    “Between the sheets” is the LAST place I locate my sexual fantasies. I’d tell you more, but it would cost you $5/minute.

  4. Mr Schwinnckle says:

    strange a friend of mine who I used to goto car shows with sang that differently “if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make a CRAZY woman your wife” He actaully sang it if you want to be horny for the rest of your life, dont make a Jewish woman your wife” He was Jewish and was also recently divorced from a woman from what he said was basically as cold as ice. Good ole Steve, lost track of him years ago and know he sold his 68 GTO. Saw it at a body shop with the front license plate No4Sale, well it was sold but didnt know the new owner.

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