Aah. Valentine’s Day approaches. (So does Lincoln’s birthday, but this is Florida, where folks (a) don’t know much about history, and (2) there are too many redneck Confederate sympathizers to give a rusty musket ball anyway). So as a pubic service to you, my heart-centric readers, I provide you with a website listing the world’s kinkiest and strangest hotels. Allegedly.
Not that anybody reading this blog is rushing off to Europe to book a night, but maybe you can talk to your local Motel 6 manager and get him to allow you to customize a room for the night. Or at least light a scented candle to override the Eau de Lysol atmosphere.
I was a bit disappointed in the rooms, myself. Mirrors, silk ribbons, and crystal? Save it for the backdrop of the Psychic Hotline Power Hour. Fountains and faucets? Not unless it’s Farrah, and she’s long gone. Put me into a hot tub and I promptly fall asleep, and besides, water tends to make my equipment soggy. As for rubber accessories, I find them as sexy as a tire store. Who’s sick enough to get hot and bothered by the Michelin Man?
No, I’d prefer a Tower of London décor Say it with branding irons, lover. Where’s the trapeze and the fireman’s pole? How about a barnyard, or maybe a mud pit? Or quicksand! NOW we’re talking. Might be a challenge installing that inside a hotel room, but I have faith in technology.
But seriously, gentlemen, the real trick to making your VD a romantic one is whom you choose to share it with. And how drunk you can get her. So in a very real-world way, the local Motel 6, with its unbreakable metal mirrors, stain-resistant pressed-board furniture, and solid cement floors makes a lot of sense. You can’t damage these unless you’re using something more flammable than Wesson Oil, and more stringent than clothesline.
A First Aid kit in every room, too. Take my advice here and you’ll need it.