The End Justifies the Mean

Not much room for editorializing on this one:

A Florida inmate is in more trouble after jail deputies found out he was taking the term “fanny pack” a little too literally.

Neil Lansing, 33, was charged with drug possession and smuggling contraband in jail for having 30 items tucked up his anus, the Sarasota Herald Tribune reported.

On top of 17 blue pills and a cigarette, Lansing was able to fit six matches, a flint, a syringe, some lip balm, an unused condom and a receipt from CVS just in case he wanted to return some of the items.  Deputies also found a coupon. Not sure why he was keeping that, since those things do have an expiration date, but we’d be curious to know what the discount was for.

Lansing allegedly had the items in his anus during the entire time he was before the judge, who sent him to prison. —  MSNBC

Ouch!  Nasty.  But itsounds like Mr. Lansing knew what was coming and prepared himself accordingly.  Think about that condom.  It suggests he is responsible as a boy scout on the way to national Jamboree (“Be Prepared!”), if not quite, um, prescient.  Did he think there wouldn’t be a thorough examination prior to incarceration?  Clearly he hasn’t done a (w)hole lot of airplane travel lately.

Or maybe he knew what was in store, and looked forward to the process of forcibly off-loading the cargo.   As much fun as it must have been to pack it all in, scooping it all out and inventorying the items sounds like a real party.  TSA should have as much entertainment as the penitentiary intake staff.  They probably encouraged him to enjoy his last cigarette.

How did he manage to stand still for his sentencing?  Do you suppose the judge had any idea he was administering justice to an anus-mule?

Speaking of judges, there’s this controversy heating up about Supreme Court justices sullying their impartiality by actually interacting with real people.  This is as bass-ackwards as Mr. Lansing himself.  As one commentator notes:

It is absurd for conservatives to criticize the cosmopolitan forums where judges from around the world compare notes. And it is absurd for liberals to criticize the conservative justices for associating with people who share or reinforce their views. The justices are human — and the more we let them be human, the better job they will do. Let the unthinkable be said! If the medieval vestments are making people think the justices should be monks, then maybe, just maybe, we should to do away with those robes.

Okay, it’s a bit of a stretch linking these topics in one post but I’ve spent ‘way too much time  these last two weeks on scatological items….even though I suspect Justice Thomas is a natural bridge between the two.


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7 Responses to The End Justifies the Mean

  1. Ted Larsen says:

    I’d like to believe the blue pills were Viagra which makes Mr. Lansing a true Christian preparing for a Godly prison experience.

    Remember, “Tis better to give than receive.”

  2. Mister E says:

    Judging from the merchandise I’ve seen displayed at CVS from time to time, I don’t doubt for a second that they happily accept returns of items from customers’ assholes.

  3. Have you heard about the new children’s toy “Justice Thomas says” . No matter where the pointer ends up, there is silence. I think it interesting to put Justice Thomas and an anal mule together in the same blog …after all, his muffins have ‘nooks and crannies’ too. Now we know what to do put in them.

    • "Esq." A Lawyer says:

      A little-commented on cost-cutting feature of Obama’s budget proposal is to lay off Justice Thomas from the Supreme Court, and just give Antonin Scalia 2 votes.

  4. Diesel Fitter says:

    Lip balm. He put a tube of lip balm up his ass.

    I miss the old days when prisoners tried sneaking in files, keys, and practical tools in order to escape, not enhance their prison experiences.

  5. Ted Larsen says:

    I wonder if the lip balm was open of capped? Capped = Minty Fresh, Open = A Fresh Hint of Feces. Tough choices for us epicureans who really value the delights of a premium lip balm.

    I also demand to see a full list of all 30 items. Off to draft an FOI form.

  6. John Rambo says:

    I think I know where my knife went…

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