Employee of the Month

The first thing I see when I push open the door to the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sports Emporium and Fitness Center is Cosmo’s bony back side, folded over the bar with her nose pressed into a magazine.  (Cosmo refuses to admit she needs glasses.  “The only thing I need is a drink!  You buyin’?”)

“Perfect story for a Friday!” she says.

Rebecca Wells died in her cubicle on Friday. So why did it take a whole day to find her?

Rebecca Wells, 51, an L.A. County employee in the Department of Internal Services, was last seen alive by a co-worker Friday morning around 9 a.m., according to police. Some 24 hours later, the compliance auditor and recent grandmother was found dead in her cubicle.

The exact time of death is yet to be determined, but police said that she had been dead at least a day before she was discovered. “I came in Saturday to do a little work, and I saw them when they were taking her out,” co-worker Hattie Robertson told KTLA. – Forbes

Wow.  That’s sad.  Right before the weekend, too.

“Not really,” says Cosmo.  “One less government drone.  Notice she’s dead for a whole day and nobody notices?  If she didn’t start to stink, she might’ve laid there for a week or two doin’ squat and nobody notices, the way these people suck off the public titty.”

Cold, Cosmo.  And you’re generalizing.  How about the co-worker who comes in on the weekend and finds her?

“Yeah, how ‘bout her?  Mighty suspicious behavior for a county worker.  I’m a cop, I’d call her a Person of Interest.”

Don Tequila, tending bar this evening, sighs and wags his enormous head.  “You, of all people to criticize somebody’s work ethic, Cosmo.  Your idea of a 40-hour week is fourscore and seven years.”

“I tell you, if that body is there on Monday morning, there’s a good chance nobody even notices,” Cosmo goes on (and on).  “These people are brain dead.  They don’t give a crispy shit about anything but coffee breaks and the five o’clock whistle.  Totally self-absorbed.  The only thing they care about less than the people they work with is the ones they’re supposed to be working for.  You know, the public.”

Very fashionable attitude, Cosmo.  Seems like the whole nation is turned against public employees these days.

“And why not?  Do you know anybody who likes dealing with them?  Do you party out renewing your driver’s license, or trying to get a building permit, or dealing with cops?  How about the post office, or code enforcement?  Fuck ‘em all and come up smiling.”

Our little drop of sweetness and sunshine, you. You can really harsh a man’s mellow, you can you can.

“Good thing she didn’t snuff it in a closet somewhere,” she adds, pushing the glass across for Don to refill.  “Or she’d be getting paychecks for weeks before anybody noticed.  It’s not like anything anybody does is so important anybody would wonder.”

“You want double arsenic in your drink, Cosmo?” asks Don.  “Sounds like you’re getting a little too sentimental.”

“Y’know, these tea party people may be a pack of cretins,” says Cosmo, “but they’re spot on when it comes to government fat and waste.  Maybe this is the just Act One.  I hope she was poisoned.  Ya gotta start somewhere.”

Great.  Now you’re a terrorist.  Actually, that might be an improvement.

Cosmo freezes, cocktail glass inches from her lips.  “Might be,” she says, seriously,  “after all those years teaching Catholic pre-school.”

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One Response to Employee of the Month

  1. Lois Terms says:

    She sounds like the ideal employee — won’t screw anything up, won’t ask for special treatment or a day off, and won’t give her co-workers a hard time. If we had a Congress full of corpses we’d probably save a lot of money and wouldn’t have to deal with a lot of bad law.

    I’m with Cosmo.

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