Getting Hammered in the Keys

A day after a woman over on the Sunshine State’s west coast attacked her roommate over a box of Girl Scout cookies, a woman down in the Keys was arrested for attacking her son during an argument over a sandwich.

The Monroe County Sheriff’s Office says 60-year-old Urania Lot was arrested in Stock Island Monday morning after she punched, bit and hammered her 18-year-old son for eating his sandwich in the living room…. Lot and her granddaughter both told police that the man was rude and belligerent and refused to eat his snack in the dining room, despite Lot’s plea.

Lot was arrested for aggravated battery. msnbc

First things first: “Urania?”  “Urania Lot?”  Oh Urania, the gem of the ocean……

Right.  So, inspired by a bevy of books and magazine articles, most notably Amy Chua’s memoir, the talk these days is about just how hard-driving parents need to be before in their quest for their children’s success they drive the poor bastards bat-shit loopy.  My favorite Amy Chua memory concerns her mom threatening to burn her stuffed animals, one by one, if little Amy scored anything less than an A in any test she took.  Poor Chinese baby!

Yes, parents, you too can raise your own personal Harvard-educated Unabomber.  Was it the Mozart you played while nursing?  Should you have listened to Liszt instead?  You insensitive cretinous overbearing grizzly mama, you.

So here’s Granny Urania going medieval on her teenage son for dropping crumbs in the living room. Clearly it wasn’t the first time.  Obviously they’d danced this polka once before.  He tries it on once too often, and the Gladwellian tipping point is BREACHED!!  Red alert!  Who are we to condemn a mother’s loving concern? Say it with hammers, Urania.  It builds character.

The way you stop a dog from lifting his leg on the living room pole lamps is to rub its nose in its own urania.  Urine.  The way you teach a thief to stop stealing is cut off his paw.  The way you teach a priest to stop molesting young boys is to transfer him to another parish.  Oh, wait.  Bad example.  Scratch that.  Not literally.

I give up.  If this goes the way of the 21st century, Granny U will be pitching Stanley Tools on a SuperBowl commercials next year.  The patented Urania ball peen with a soft leather grip.  You read it here first.  And probably last.

P.S.  I did some research.  “Lot” in the Sodom of the Keys makes a lot (sorry) of sense.  As for “Urania,” well, I was surprised how not-unique this is.  Check it out, and all of a sudden, the odd graphics in this post make sense.  See: the townthe cattle, the butterfly, and the Muse.

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2 Responses to Getting Hammered in the Keys

  1. ya'gotta'guessit says:

    Ha, ha!

    Junior brought a hoagie to a hammer fight!

  2. * Rim Shot * says:

    “The way you teach a thief to stop stealing is cut off his paw.”

    A 3-legged dog walks into a crowded bar, which falls silent as he glares around the room. “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw,” he says.

    Sorry. You reminded me.

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