Message in a Bottle and other choice redneckery fables

A bullhorn-toting New Orleans pastor known for disrupting the city’s annual gay festival by loudly denouncing “sinful behavior” has been arrested and charged with masturbating in a public park. Christian fundamentalist Grant Storms was taken into custody after two women complained that he was masturbating in his van while staring at children in a playground, the Times-Picayune reports. Storms initially claimed he was merely urinating into a bottle but later admitted to masturbating, according to WWLTV.  – Newser

What’s sadder – that nobody’s surprised by this, another loudmouth hypocrite too stupid egocentric, and inconsiderate to battle his own damn demons quietly?  Or that there are plenty of faithful followers who figure the poor guy’s just getting railroaded by evil forces, personally coached by Satan himself, foisting the gay agenda on innocent Americans?

Because you know they’re out there.  In fact, one deluded soul demanded custody of the bottle (and its contents), claiming it was a blessed holy relic.  A police department spokesman explained – grimacing — that it was being held as evidence, and unavailable.  Maybe next year it’ll be offered on Craigslist.

But life goes on for Rev Storms:

At his press conference Tuesday, Storms admitted he was in his van in the park, had his seat reclined and did have his hand in his underwear, but he said he was not masturbating. He did admit to viewing pornography online about an hour before he went to the park.

A tearful Storms apologized to his family, friends and others he had offended, including the gay community he used to rail against during Southern Decadence parades in the French Quarter.  He also said he is no longer associated with the church he once headed, and now runs a lawn care service. –

Onan the Lawn Man!  Excellent career choice: Now he can tiptoe through the tulips for $25/hour and when he spills his seed upon the earth, oh, never mind.  Let’s move on to another fine specimen of uniquely southern culture:

After being taken into custody, a 20-year-old man reportedly told cops in Florida that his religion is “redneck.”  Joshua Lee Joehlin of Texas told police in Bradenton that he is a follower of the “redneck” faith after being accused of engaging in a lewd and lascivious act with a minor. – AOLNews

Apprehended by police, he was asked if he had any ID.  ‘’Bout what?” he replied.

An honest man, if just a trifle perverted.  Had his name been Roman Polanski, Whoopi Goldfarb might be defending him right now (“Was it weally wape-wape?”) Besides, there’s good reason to believe that redneck is in fact a religion.  For certain it’s a way of life.

We don‘t know.  Maybe he’s the John the Baptist of a redneck-as-religion movement.  Stranger things have already happened in 21st century America.  Soon to be tax-deductible expenses: his truck (mobile church), his beer (purchasable on Sundays as holy water), and his overalls (think ”holy vestments,” as in, “mah bankuh handles mah vest-i-ments”).

Okay, this is getting silly.  If not scary.

This entry was posted in News From the Nation's Dicktip, NIMBY. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Message in a Bottle and other choice redneckery fables

  1. You dang liberals, always mis-reportin’ the facts. You nattering nabobs. He wasn’t masturbatin’ in a public park. He was masturbatin’ in a bottle.

    And I’d like his phone number for the lawn care service . I ain’t hirin’ no illegal immigrant to do my lawn care. I only want real American’s coming near my house.

  2. Lois Terms says:

    Whoopi Goldberg — not Goldfarb — is an empty-headed vagina.

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