Broward County’s emergence as the Pill Mill capital of the nation has been a headliner for over a year now. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, FGI and get up to speed. Or go find some foodie blog.
Astonishing even his closest allies, our own Gov Dickwithears has put the kibosh on establishing a law enforcement-oriented seller/user database that might help close down these operations. Although police and drug enforcement agencies all across the nation, and particularly here in Broward, have applauded its virtues, the gov has called it “an invasion of privacy,” and refused to go forward with its creation.
Not even the ACLU has raised privacy issues, leading observers to conclude that Gov Dickwithears is still smarting over his former company’s record fine for Medicare fraud, and thus resistant to anything relating to responsible health care. When I telephone his office for a comment, I get connected to an aide, Phyllis D. Fallus.
“I don’t know what you fail to understand about our position on this,” she says, tersely. “The Governor made it clear from the day he announced his candidacy that he was going to run this state like a business. Did you miss that?”
Yes, I got that, but did he say drug business?
“Business is business. Here’s some Broward numbers from your own sheriff: More than 1 million tablets of oxycodone, are prescribed every month. 38 of the 50 doctors who most prescribe oxycodone in the United State are located in Broward. Also, Broward logged more fatal overdoses linked to Xanax than anywhere else in Florida in the first half of 2009, and ranked second in deaths blamed on diazepam, the main ingredient in Valium. Nearly 90% of the OxyContin ordered by physicians in the first half of 2010 came to Florida. Do you start to understand the economic impact of this market?”
Economic impact? You’re describing a community somewhere between Calcutta and Sodom, with a sprinkling of Macao.
“I’m describing a gigantic economic engine, you imbecile. This is Ground Zero of the Medication Tourist Industry in your own back yard and you’re too stupid to cash in. Broward sees literally hordes of Americans streaming in to line up at your medication centers for expensive prescriptions, shelling out millions of taxable dollars in local clinics and pharmacies. You could float your entire county budget on those revenues alone!”
Drugs for Education! Drugs for Art! Right?
“Well, Duh! Not to mention how all these medication tourists, many of whom arrive by recklessly speeding automobile, spend money on hotels, turnpike tolls, gasoline, restaurants, junk food, and weapons! The secondary market alone is booming.”
Don’t leave out the locals reselling pills on playgrounds and school yards.
“Exactly! This is what it means to run government like a business – stay out of regulation and law enforcement and let the free market take care of the economy! Anything else is socialism You’re not a socialist, are you?”
Hell no. Ask my friends – I’m as antisocial as head lice.
“Well, I’m glad you called, and I hope this clears up Gov Dickwithears’ position.”
There you have it, readers. So what if 7 people a day perish from drug overloads in Broward – it’s as good for the economy as a foreign war, and not quite as deadly. The new governor has our best interest in heart, despite the county’s overwhelming vote against him. What a saint.