Duck!

Comic Gilbert Gottfried has long made a great living from his often tasteless humor. On Monday, however, it cost him dearly.

After delivering a stream of jokes on Twitter mocking Japan’s devastating earthquake and tsunami, Gottfried was dropped by the insurer Aflac, whose duck mascot he voiced in 50 commercials. The Georgia-based company does 75%  of its business in Japan.

“I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent,” went one of Gottfried’s dozen cyber cracks that began Saturday. “I said, ‘Is there a school is this area?’ She said, ‘Not now, but just wait.’ ”  And this: “Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.”

An Aflac spokesman said the remarks were “lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac.”  — Chicago Sun-Times

The only one he skipped was the one with the punch line: “There’s a Nip in the air.”  Of course, that’s so Pearl Harbor ago.

Like most human beings with functioning auditory canals, I fucking despised Gilbert Gottfried long before I had any idea who he was.  He owns the most singularly irritating voice since Ethel Merman and Arnold Stang.  Furthermore, in the long, star-studded, glorious history of humorous, wisecracking ducks – think Donald, Daffy, and Ludwig; Huey Dewey and Louie; and my favorite, Eric Tiberius Duckman. P.I. —  his association with the AFLAC water fowl did nothing but sully the species.

So I’m glad he CharlieSheened himself right out of a paycheck, and I’m proud to have just invented a brand new verb.

In a related story (you’ll see), Sultan Kosen, the world’s tallest man, visited Cuba this week:

Accompanied by enthusiastic youngsters of a solidarity-with-Cuba organization, 28-year old Sultan also has the biggest hands and feet in the world -27.5 cm and 36.5 cm, respectively…..he stands 2.47 meters, or 8’1” tall.

Upon his arrival to the tourist facility, two beds had to be put together on the straight, so he could sleep comfortably. — CubaHeadlines

Yeah, I know.  Who gives a damn about his hands and feet?  What we really want to know is the answer to that ancient Asian riddle, How Long Dong? How Hung Low? Too bad Gilbert Gotfried isn’t around any more to twitter about it.

The real news, of course, is that Cuba found two beds to put together.  Maybe the economy is improving.

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6 Responses to Duck!

  1. Whack-a-mole says:

    CharlieSheened? Did you hear that Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan are to star in a new sitcom? They’re thinking of calling it Two and a Half Grams.

  2. Noisome Vomitstein says:

    I must inform you that my client, Mr. Stang, offered to make full amends for his unfortunate remarks by travelling to Japan and volunteering as the voice of JSEWS
    (Japan Tsunami Early Warning System). but was summarily turned down.

    My office received an email from a government official reading, in part”, the people of Japan would rather suffer the perils of mass extinction than…”

    Sincerely
    Noisome Vomitstein
    Senior Agent
    Creative Artists Agency
    Los Angeles, CA

  3. Camiel Toe says:

    My experience with very elongated athletes (including basketball players) makes me conclude that there is no correlation between height and length. But I will continue my research.

  4. Ted End says:

    I never heard of Arnold Stang. I assume he’s a past relation of Sting. Sting’s voice is pretty obnoxious, too. Must run in the family.

    • Dr. Robert Bentley, M.D says:

      Mr. Stang was born a deaf mute and learned to sing by lip reading Frank Sinatra on TV.

      Once again this site takes delight in mocking the afflicted.

      I’m sure Mr. Stang was more successful than all of you. He did a miraculous job considering the challenges he faced.

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