Pump You Up

Good morning, class!  How many of you had sex over the weekend?  Yes, you may count solo efforts: we’re still in a recession.  Everybody!  Good!  Now, how many of you are dead?

Sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity — such as jogging or having sex — significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack, especially in people who do not get regular exercise, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.

The team analyzed data from 14 studies looking at the link between exercise, sex and the risk of heart attacks or sudden cardiac death — a lethal heart rhythm that causes the heart to stop circulating blood.

They found people are 3.5 times more likely to get a heart attack or have sudden cardiac death when they are exercising compared to when they are not.  And they are 2.7 times more likely to get a heart attack when they are having sex or immediately afterward compared with when they are not. — Reuters

Where to begin?

I, personally, would find death immediately after sex a perfectly satisfactory conclusion to life.  Then again, I’m one of those male things whose climaxes are known as Le Petit Mort. Go for Le Grand Mort and expire with a wrinkle below and a smile where they’ll see it.

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming, panicked, and clawing for life like the passengers in his car.”

Heh.  Love that one.

As for exercise, most of us with still-firing neurons know it’s a losers’ gambit.  More people drop dead, slathered with sweat in their Addidases, or shitting themselves silly on “gentle’ ellipticals than behind the wheel of their golf carts.  Exercise is bad for you.  It speeds up your heart, and your heart only has so many beats per lifetime, so you’re shortening your existence.  This is a Burgessian provable fact.

Besides, the only point of exercise is to work off the fat you put on from your ghastly dietary regimen, so you look better when you’re on the hunt for sex.  Well, duh.  Change your diet and have sex more often — that eliminates the need for dangerous exercise.

Hell, I should make a self-help DVD.

In a related development here’s a story about penis size, nationality, and intelligence.  All I can add to this is, I’m proud to be Hungarian.  Make that, Hung-Aryan.

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10 Responses to Pump You Up

  1. Camiel Toe says:

    Oooh, thanks. Something to help me plan my next vacation. Looks like I’ll be skipping the Orient.

  2. Stan Garde says:

    Risking death for the sake of sex sounds worthwhile, but it depends on the partner. Personally, I risked death for about 3 years by carrying on with the gorgeous wife of a truly dangerous individual. It was very exhilerating, but I broke it off when the guy went to jail because I figured when he got out he’d be 10 times as dangerous.

    • depends on who's askin' says:

      Interesting little tale, Stan……so where are you these days?

      • FuneralService.Com says:

        I’m sorry to tell you Mr. Garde passed away last night after having sex.

        Arrangement are incomplete.

        Sorry for your loss.
        Punji Patel
        Customer Service
        FuneralService.Com

  3. A True American Speaks says:

    I find it disgusting that trees show their erections in public. This nation has become too sexually liberated and apparently the trees realize this and have turned into sexual predators.

    I shudder to think what will happen to the poor girl pictured above when the tree rapes her.

    At the very least trees should be banned from the vicinity of schools.

    Is there a National Tree Child Sex Offenders Registry. NO, OF COURSE NOT! Another blight on the Obama Administration.

    As a Nation we are destined for hell. Also remember the Bible’s edict that sex is ONLY for PROCREATION, but not PLEASURE. Should you die during “recreational sex” it’s well deserved.

  4. Bishop Berkeley says:

    If a tree sprouts a hard-on in the forest and there’s no bush there to receive it, does it leave any seeds?

    • A. R. Borist says:

      I need a clarification on this. Are you referring to “bush” as in a small tree or a member of the Bush political family?

      Had you mentioned President Clinton, the answer would have been “Yes.”

      Please advise.

      • Mister E says:

        Lower case b for low-growing shrub. Upper-case B for low-class politicians.

        Meanwhile, that young lady in the photo is risking a serious case of bark-butt.

  5. Rover says:

    Woof, woof, ooh yeah, woof, woof

  6. Hugh Bris says:

    Actually, “Squathole,” things around here are starting to pick up.

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