Good morning, class! How many of you had sex over the weekend? Yes, you may count solo efforts: we’re still in a recession. Everybody! Good! Now, how many of you are dead?
Sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity — such as jogging or having sex — significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack, especially in people who do not get regular exercise, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.
The team analyzed data from 14 studies looking at the link between exercise, sex and the risk of heart attacks or sudden cardiac death — a lethal heart rhythm that causes the heart to stop circulating blood.
They found people are 3.5 times more likely to get a heart attack or have sudden cardiac death when they are exercising compared to when they are not. And they are 2.7 times more likely to get a heart attack when they are having sex or immediately afterward compared with when they are not. — Reuters
Where to begin?
I, personally, would find death immediately after sex a perfectly satisfactory conclusion to life. Then again, I’m one of those male things whose climaxes are known as Le Petit Mort. Go for Le Grand Mort and expire with a wrinkle below and a smile where they’ll see it.
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming, panicked, and clawing for life like the passengers in his car.”
Heh. Love that one.
As for exercise, most of us with still-firing neurons know it’s a losers’ gambit. More people drop dead, slathered with sweat in their Addidases, or shitting themselves silly on “gentle’ ellipticals than behind the wheel of their golf carts. Exercise is bad for you. It speeds up your heart, and your heart only has so many beats per lifetime, so you’re shortening your existence. This is a Burgessian provable fact.
Besides, the only point of exercise is to work off the fat you put on from your ghastly dietary regimen, so you look better when you’re on the hunt for sex. Well, duh. Change your diet and have sex more often — that eliminates the need for dangerous exercise.
Hell, I should make a self-help DVD.
In a related development here’s a story about penis size, nationality, and intelligence. All I can add to this is, I’m proud to be Hungarian. Make that, Hung-Aryan.