The Doctor Will Seize You Now

We’re back from Florida’s west coast after a weekend built around a funeral.  The departed’s life was celebrated, his loved ones comforted and praised for their strength and composure, and his friends and family’s surviving members confirmed as partners in loving concern for whatever comes next.

Plenty of bad and tasteless jokes were shared because that’s one way to defy and sneer at the inevitable.  These are cynical times.   Besides, many in attendance arrived by Southwest Airlines, which  added a complicated layer of frustration and danger to the whole scene.

With that as context, below is a compilation of “hospital chart bloopers” I find amusing:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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This entry was posted in Shaken and Stirred. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Doctor Will Seize You Now

  1. Piles says:

    April: Death and taxes. You’re 2 for 2.

  2. Diesel Fitter says:

    I liked #20.

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