Ooooh That Smell

Thanks to a freakish combination of genes, surgery gone awry, and physical trauma, I’m pretty damn blind, although it’s leveled out over the years (but I still can’t hit a rising fast ball).  So nature compensates for me — I have acute hearing (and a cuter ass), and a nose like a bloodhound.  The rest of my face is no bargain, either.

I can identify scents where other human beings can’t even detect an odor.  Like a dog, I can smell moods, danger, sexual arousal, etc., as well as identify by name hundreds of scented products like shampoos, soaps, colognes, laundry detergent, polish, deodorant, and those funky little Christmas tree things people hang from their rear view mirrors.   After I’ve been around the same office crew for a short while, I can tell from the faintest whiff who just came in the room, and what kind of mood he or she is in.

No, as far as I can figure out, there’s no money in this.

I learned over the years not to be so quick to mention this talent as it makes people uneasy.  They don’t want to hear that the person they’re with can tell that they had sex that morning, or did a sloppy job wiping their asses, or missed a spot with the roll-on, or that they grabbed a shirt out of the dirty laundry basket, let alone that they’re nervous about the howler they just uttered.

So as a result, I’m rather obsessed with my own scent.  I rotate colognes with the seasons, and I’m never without.  In fact, I’m so picky about this that our early courtship days, Guido suspected I might be gay.  Most guys she’d dated before me smelled of red wine, garlic, and goat-lust, with a chaser of olive oil and Camels (the cigarette, not the two-humped beast.  That came afterwards).  To her, I smelled like a candle store.

So from that perspective, THIS is a bad idea:

America is obsessed with bacon. There’s bacon chocolate, bacon salt, bacon popcorn, baconaise and yes, even BaconAir. The noses over at Fargginay, Inc. thought clearly the next step down the bacon-crazed path would be to smell like bacon and thus Bacon Perfume/Cologne was born.

Bacon Cologne (pronounced BA-cone) is an amalgamation of 11 essential oils, flowers, herbs and, of course, the essence of bacon. — Time/Newsfeed

While I don’t eat bacon any more — it departed my diet 35 years ago when I quit eating refined sugar — I still love its smell, sizzling in the frying pan.  That’s where bacon belongs, not behind the ears, or dabbed on the pulse points, or sprayed in the oxters.  I love the smell of WD-40, too, and it’s a lot cheaper than the cologne I buy, but I don’t apply it on my flesh although sometimes I feel like my joints could use it.  Ditto Windex, Pledge (fresh lemon or natural scent), shoe polish, and Armor-All.  And, while you’re at it, anchovies, puttanesca sauce, and a freshly lit Partagas Lonsdale.

Meat products are not colognes.  That’s a fundamental truth.  A Fact Jack.  You don’t ever want to smell like meat, especially in the presence of a hungry carnivore, or a sexually aroused member of species whose meat you smell like.

Finally, I’m here to tell you that south Floridians as a group don’t smell too good.  There’s an abundance of sweat that mixes unwell with too many thin and cloying cover-ups, some about as subtle as Coppertone (and sometimes it IS Coppertone) and as inviting as toilet cleaner.  But for all that, bacon would NOT be an improvement.  Bathing might be.  Just sayin’.

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10 Responses to Ooooh That Smell

  1. You write that you smell like a dog . Frankly I’ve alweays thought that! While there may not be any money in it , it’ll certainly lead to quick adoption at the SPCA for you if things get tougher in Flori-DUH. Speaking of acute hearing, I once dated a woman with acute angina. I know that because it was shaved.

  2. Fran G'Panni says:

    You rotate your colognes according to season, and you’re NOT gay? Are you the same guy I drink with at the Bull who could take first prize in Worst Dressed Person in KW? When you bother to wear more than torn cut-offs, of course. How can somebody asd casual about his clothing be that fussy about his cologne?

    When are you guys coming back down this year? I want to bring some friends around to smell you. 🙂

  3. Dawgbowl says:

    Let me know when you start drinking from the toilet.

  4. guido says:

    So where have you been hiding the “cute” ass?

  5. Elsie Borden says:

    As a productive cow and mother of numerous calves, I’m highly offended by your condescending tone. One man’s meat is another’s cologne, you know. Cud off.

  6. Barbara Ganousch says:

    What colognes do you rotate?

    • Squathole says:

      Four from Caswell-Massey: Newport in the spring, Jockey Club for summer, Tricorn in autumn, and Sandalwood in winter. Once in a while I’ll switch to Number 6 in late winter/early spring, but I’ll stop when I run out and not replace it. My all-time favorite was Lord Ashley Cooper, but it was discontinued and while I keep sending emails of disappointment, they tell me there are no plans to restore the fragrance. I’m hoarding my last bottle.

  7. Craig says:

    What would you take for your bottle of Ashley Cooper?

    • Squathole says:

      Craig — sorry, not for sale. I intend to wear it daily during my final 6 months of life, and, as far as I know, the clock hasn’t been set yet. Meanwhile, please join me in sending emails to CM demanding its return to production. Or help me locate a chemist who could analyze the contents and recreate the product.

      I suspect there are many Lord Ashley Cooper fans still out here.

  8. Squathole says:

    Caswell-Massey informed me that Tricorn Cologne has been discontinued. There goes the autumn scent. I have one full bottle remaining.

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